Hello my name is Brian. I'm 22 almost 23, receintly found out exactly what apergers is, and have very strong reason to believe I suffer from it. I feel I fit all of the major symtoms of it, and almost all the minor symtoms or it. I'm not in school at the moment. but hoping to try again soon. My story is how I found out I am more then likley an aspie, and it happened thorough an lengthy ordeal I've been having with a girl halfway across the world who is BPD.
I met a very lovley young austrailian lady named Sarah, in one of the most unlikley places you'd ever think to meet someone like that. The popular MMORPG World of Warcraft. I could tell right away there were things about her that werent right. She was very closed minded, never seemed to think about other peoples feelings besides her own and a close circle of those she cared for, which I happend to be one of those people. There were just some people in game that she could not get along with. A few individuals she just hated with a passion, and there was no changing her mind on that, no matter how hard I tried to convince her that the fiasco between them was just a misunderstanding. There were times her behavior was so irrational, I tried to politely advise her against wanting to do things to that person she didnt like. When I did this she flew off the handel on me, telling me that she did'nt wanna talk to me anymore, and that I was being petty. I was completly shell-shocked by this responce, but in time I learned how to kinda try and avoid those problems with her. I think what really drew me to her was when our guild on WoW fell appart and almost everyone blamed Sarah for it, becuase of the problems she was having with other guild members. Our guild leader, who which she had very strong feelings for at the time, also blamed her, stopped talking to her, and wanted nothing to do with her. I felt absolutly terrible for her. I could see she was very hurt, very heartbroken, and very upset because of all of this. I took it upon myself to try and make her feel better, because I could not stand to see her so hurt, and I love to see her happy which brings me to my next part. Now her manipulative side is really what did me in the most I think. When I first got to know Sarah, she opened up to me in ways no other girl ever opened up to me. When she was happy she had this cute girlier that I just just loved to death. She told me many times that I was gorgeous, cute, and sweet. She shared personal things with me as well, "girl stuff, and other things you normaly wouldnt share with another guy". There were personal things she was afraid to tell her real life friends that she came to me about, for caring support, let me tell ya I was and still am always give it to her. This to her really was nothing, but to me, it was a major deal. Just hearing how happy I made her feel really lit me up inside. When she finally added me on myspace I immidiatly fell head over heals for her. I knew she lived in Melbourne Aus, and I lived just outside Milwaukee Wisconsin, which is a pretty damn huge distance, but I didnt care. I was just amazed that a girl that attractive would open up to me in the way she did, but it came at a price. The more she encoruaged me, the more she complimented me, the more I wanted. It didnt take long before I found out that I cared for her very deeply, but deep down the truth still remained. She lives in Australia, and I live in Wisconsin, and with that truth came a boatload of problems for me. Though I may have been a trusted friend of hers, which I'll tell ya, thats saying somthing, she would still talk to me about other guys shes seeing. There would be nights we were talking on MSN and she would be asking me what I thought she should wear. I of course would say, "well whatever you wear I'm sure you'll look beautiful nontheless" then I would ask why, and she would tell me that she goin to see a guy she really really likes a lot, and that would just drive me up a wall. Especially when she would come to me telling me about guys that werent treating her right. It made me angry, and apathetic at the same time. I guess to cut a long story short, all these emotions I have for her, love, jealous envy for the guys she sees, coping with the fact she lives far away, and that nothings ever gonna happen between us, have been creating a lot of tension between us for Id say the last month at least. She never really tells me anything anymore, and it makes me depressed. I feel like I'm being shut out. She never wants to talk about whats going on with her, and when I hint to her that Im feeling down becuse shes going blank on me and only talking to me for short periods of time, she blows me off, or says we cant be friends if I'm going to be so negitive all the time, and that I only think about myself. To hear that tore me up inside. This whole ordeal over the last couple months has also had a tremdous effect of my real life as well. I shut out my family, I've been spending way too much time on the computer. I've been late to work several times and nearly lost my job. There was one night my mom confronted me, and asked me why I've been acting so off latley. I of course blew her off and said it was none of her business, and It was at that point she said, that maybe I should be tested for aspergers. She felt that maybe I could get disibility if I lost my job. I of course was very upset to be accused of such a disability. I then looked it up on google, and I learned maybe my mom was right. I also told Sarah about this too and she agreed too that I showed a lot of the signs of aspergers, having had studied psychology, and haveing a degree in that. Irratic emotional behavior as a child, difficulty with social cues, hyperactiveness, and if I must say through this whole ordeal, easily manipulated, and heavily affected by the moods of others.
I really not sure what I should do in all of this. I tried deleting her from everything, and leaving her a lengthy note explaining, that it was not out of spite or hate. That I just needed time to stop thinking about her, pick myself back up, and get my life back on track, and maybe then I could come to better terms with her and be a better friend. She was still very offended by that and said some terrible things to me that hurt more more than I like to think. I ended up appologising multiple times and readding her. The last 6 months have been rough to say the least but I learned a lot too. It really seems to me that people with BPD, as hard as it may be trying to cooperate with them at times, are actually really good people deep down when you think about it. when you really see past whats on the outside of them, you see a different person deep down. Someone who just wants to make friends, but sometimes isnt always sure how to do it. yea maybe they get a little excessive at times but I don't think thats any reason to shun them or look down upon then and spit, like I've seen other people do in my sitiuation. I almost like to think that BPD and AS can go hand in hand if you're like me, a person who perfers the oppisites attract scenario in their relationships and friendships. People with BPD tend to be very outgoing, while people with AS are not so. I think being with somone who is BPD is almost the shot in the a** AS people need to get up, go out and socialize more. It almost seems to me that I was probly one of the people who cared for Sarah the most, but that might not be true. Me and Sarah are completly different people, but it's those differences I like so much. Shes a person, whos into primping, wearing designer clothing, going to parties, and getting down to popular music, such as Lady Gaga, Justin Timberlake, NERD and other stuff like that. Me I'm pretty content with my natural appearance. I gel my hair up sometimes, but I dont really wear cologne "family can't stand the stuff". My clothing usually only consists of worn out cargo jeens, and a tee-shirt, usually with somthing guitar or snowboard realated on it. My music consists of mainly old school rock n roll. My talents are in music actually. I play guitar, bass, drums, trombone, piano, and harmonica. I have the ability to tell musical pitches directly by ear, which I guess is a very rare gift. I always perfered music that is a lot more instrumental, and I don't go out and party very often, but I could still seem myself dressing up nice and sharp, going to a party, bar, or club with Sarah, getting down and dancing to all the music shes into, and deffinatly have a lot of fun doing it. If I'm lucky I might just get to do some of that next year, if she decides to come to Wisconsin to see me, and a few other friends I guess. Not getting my hopes up about it though.
Last edited by Faint_of_hearts
on Sat Jun 20, 2009 5:23 am, edited 1 time in total.
People always seem to confuse what they wanna do and what they have to do. Me, I just do what I wanna do.