Somewhat paranoid thoughts

[Sophist]

My roommate seems irritated at the idea of an alarm system. When I told her I had gotten one she made a comment about it being another thing for her to have to "unlock" when she comes in, and she said she thinks I'm being a little paranoid and that if she were to break into a house she wouldn't use the front door, she'd use the back, so she doesn't think one in the front is necessary : / . She clearly doesn't want me to set one up in the front, and made the suggestion that I set up some bells or something so I'd hear when someone comes in, instead (there's no way I'd hear the bells, especially if I were asleep, as my room is in the back of the apartment). I already know I'm being sort of paranoid but I've tried telling her this is mainly just to help me not be so nervous at night and she just doesn't seem to get it, which is of course making me more upset now

You need to ask her outright: does she want you to feel more safe? If she answers "yes" to that-- and if she doesn't she's just being untruthful because she's annoyed-- then the only solution you can think to come up with right now is a small alarm system.

Ask her which she'd like: an alarm system... or a paranoid roommate who's likely to bug her more without the alarm system.

I know which one I'd pick.

[Civet]

I'm not sure how well she'd respond to that, honestly, I think it may just make her more annoyed. She tends to be a rather evasive person and won't answer things in a straightforward manner, I very much imagine that if I asked her what you said, if she wants me to feel more safe, she would turn it back around and just tell me she thinks that I'm being paranoid and shouldn't need the alarm to feel more safe because she doesn't think there is anything to worry about in the first place.

We are good friends, so I don't really want to screw up our relationship over something stupid like this : /. I just wish I could get my anxiety and thoughts under control. Her telling me she thinks I'm paranoid, too, only makes me feel worse about myself.

[Nightshade]

Hi

I've been lurking and meant to register and introduce myself but never quite got around to it. However Civet's problem is something I've experienced a lot so I thought maybe I might have something useful to add. I'll try and get around to introducing myself later but I don't tend to have much time or enthusiam for web boards at the moment so you may not hear much from me.

For background to this issue - when I was a teenager, I was so afraid of my house being broken into that I couldn't sleep in my own bed, even if my brother was in the next room and my mother on the other side of the house. For some months (maybe over a year, I can't quite remember) I even had to sleep in my mother's bed (yes, with my mother there as well). During the day, I couldn't stay in the house alone even for a few minutes without barricading myself in the bathroom with a cricket bat.

Now I live alone and only occasionally have relapses, like last year when I received a threatening phone call (it was a death threat but think I was just a random dial). I needed my mother to spend a few days in my spare room so I could settle down and then I booby-trapped the house for a few months (eg things that would fall off the door if it was opened).

So this is the background to where my opinion on this comes from. The other thing I should add is that while I never had that problem treated, I've had to get treatment for other anxiety issues and some of what I say comes from this experience.

I agreed that it is a good idea to review the security at your house and see if there is any obvious issue, and I think it is a good idea to do a few things that make you feel better. Things that helped me were putting noisy things on the back of doors that would fall off if the door was opened (including my bedroom door which might be an option for you Civet), having an ornamental sword by my bed and having 2 phones by my bed. With the ornamental sword - it wasn't much use as a weapon, but I reasoned that if someone did break in, they would get one awful fright if confonted by a shrieking, sword-wielding lunatic.

However there is also a danger that you can "validate" your fear by acting on it. For example, if you put noisy things on the back of every door before you go to bed and eventually get off to sleep after lying there for hours with your pulse racing and then wake up and it is all fine, then the next night you think - I must booby trap every door before I go to bed and it will be ok. Pretty soon you can't bring yourself to go to bed without doing a whole lot of odd things. Or worse you need to keep adding more things. Or you can't sleep in your bed/ home at all. Been there. Don't recommend it.

So the other thing I did was focus deliberately on the "but it isn't likely" rationale. I reminded myself of things like "I have nice but nosy neighbours", "my house is inconvenient to break into" etc. I avoided imagining burglars or anything else that might make me more anxious (usually by replacing with some other thoughts, something pleasant and obsessive). Also I reminded myself - "see, the booby traps weren't necessary after all" when I woke up in the morning rather than saying "it was ok because I put the booby traps up and had 2 telephones and a sword by my bed". From my understanding of phobia treatment, these subtle differences are important.

Eventually, I was able to dismantle the booby traps etc.

Anyway, I don't think you are paranoid at all - it is a quite reasonable fear, but it is also really miserable if it gets hold of you, and it isn't helping you. It doesn't make you more secure that you are afraid. For me thinking about the fact that "this fear is unhelpful", helps me to put the anxious thoughts to one side. Don't know if it helps you but worth a try.

So, that's my incoherent late-night rambling. I hope I don't come across as bossy (I know I can sometimes). If you want me to explain more, I'll try. If this is no help, just ignore it, but I just want to try to help you because I really think I understand what you are experiencing.

And, um, hi everyone.

[Sophist]

Welcome to Gestalt, Nightshade.

[ruth]

I have the same problem, Civit. When I have to spend the night or several nights alone because my husband and children are away I become almost petrified with fear that someone is going to break in and murder me. I lock myself in the bedroom and open my bedroom window which opens out onto the roof of the front porch. My plan is to go out on the roof with my cell phone and scream bloody murder so the neighbor's will hear that I'm in trouble. I know this seems ridiculous, but I can't fall to sleep until almost daybreak, I hear every little sound that this old house makes and imagine the most horrible scenarios. I won't leave my room even to use the bathroom, I bring a large coffee can in for that. Someone has broken into our house in the past and stolen my purse which was hanging on my kitchen chair. Fortunately I had no money in it but they got my medication and I had to cancel my credit cards. Oddly, my son who was about 19 then, was sleeping on the couch that night and had just got paid. His wallet was in plain sight on the piano in the hallway with about $250.00. The thief came in through the side cellar door that leads into the kitchen, but I guess he just grabbed the purse and ran. From that day on I check that cellar door everynight before I go to bed. I can't rely on anyone else in the family to do that since even though I pound it into their heads that they must always lock that door after using it, I too often find it unlocked when I check.

[goddessoflubbock]

We are good friends, so I don't really want to screw up our relationship over something stupid like this : /. I just wish I could get my anxiety and thoughts under control. Her telling me she thinks I'm paranoid, too, only makes me feel worse about myself.

Hmm... "We are good friends ... she thinks I'm paranoid, too, only makes me feel worse about myself"

For me, these two things don't seem to work together.... A good friend should help you and try to understand your situation even if they can't put themselves in your place exactly.

Sorry I'm probably not being helpful either

[Civet]

Nightshade- Thank you for sharing your story. I think you make good points, and I have also worried a little if I am just validating my fears too much. I will try to think in the way that you have suggested, it sounds quite helpful.

Ruth- Thank you too for sharing your story. I don't think my fears are quite as strong as yours as most nights I eventually get to sleep before my roommate comes home, though not always. Which is good since she is late almost every night because of work. Still it causes me continual distress and does affect my sleep.

Goddess- I realized through talking with a friend yesterday that I made some mistakes, too. I should have brought this alarm idea up with my roommate before going out and buying one and partially installing it. I should have discussed it with her rather than assuming that it would not bother her, and I was being rather presumptuous doing so. I have also probably been annoying her with talk and worry about breakins so much.

She was acting like kind of a jerk, though, I will agree. I still haven't gotten a chance to speak with her about putting up the last alarm because the time has just not been right for me to do so unfortunately. She doesn't seem angry with me right now, however, so hopefully when I bring it up again she doesn't get angry or snappy again like she did.

[beware_the_sluagh]

Nightshade - excellent post

Civet - obviously, as you realise, the problem isn't in the possibility of people breaking in but in anxiety over it, as I think you've already said that you're not in a high crime area, etc. So focusing on fixing the anxiety is probably way more useful than alarms, etc. Unfortunately, alarms and locks and things are all way easier for everyone to give advice on I was thinking that Ruth mentions her sort of "escape plan" so maybe it would help if you think of a plan of what you would do that sounds reasonable, and then prevent yourself from obsessing over the plan because you don't want to get stuck thinking and planning constantly. Anyway, then whenever you start worrying you think "I don't have to worry, I have a plan" and force yourself to think about something else. You don't want to actually think through the plan because that will lead to obsessing over it, you just need to remember you have one. You'll probably keep accidentally thinking about break-ins and not noticing your thoughts for a while, but then when you do notice them, you remind yourself, one way or another, not to worry about it, and keep doing it and making yourself think about something else.

[Nightshade]

I don't have to worry, I have a plan

Thanks Beware the Sluagh - that's a pretty good concise summary of what I was trying to say. Take a few sensible precautions, but not to the extent that the precautions themselves cause a problem, formulate a plan but don't dwell on it, and remember that the anxiety is something that you can control.

Good luck Civet, hope you start feeling a bit better, a bit more in control.

[Noctivagus]

A big Gestalt welcome to you, Nightshade.