jokes

[Sophist]

Jokes thread? Do we have a jokes thread somewhere?? Ah well, this'll do:

Two Crocodiles are sitting at the side of the swamp near the Ottawa river. The smaller one turns to the bigger one and says,

"I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age and we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replies the small Croc.

"Hmmmmmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament Buildings."

"Same here. Hmmmmmmm.. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh** out of them and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the sh** out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an a**h*** and a briefcase..."

[Charlie]

I saw on the BBC site an article about the jokes coming out of the financial crisis, of which I think the best ones are (slightly adapted for a more diverse audience...)

What is the capital of Iceland?
About $10

What is the difference between an investment banker (or merchant banker) and a pigeon?
A pigeon can still make a deposit on a new BMW

And the best one-liner from a trader: "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."

The full lot here

[Noctivagus]

Young man walked into a bar... said 'Ouch!'.

[beware_the_sluagh]

The teacher asks everyone in the class to demonstrate something
exciting. When Johnny's turn came, he walked to the blackboard and
drew a small dot. "What's that?", the teacher asked, puzzled. "It's a
period. "—"Well, I see that, but what's exciting about a
period?"—"Darned if I know, but this morning my sister said she missed
one... Dad had a heart attack, mom fainted, and the guy next door shot
himself."

Child: "Mommy, when are we going to reach Europe?"

Mother: "Shut up and keep swimming."

I like the second joke; the first is ok.

[Sophist]

The teacher asks everyone in the class to demonstrate something
exciting. When Johnny's turn came, he walked to the blackboard and
drew a small dot. "What's that?", the teacher asked, puzzled. "It's a
period. "—"Well, I see that, but what's exciting about a
period?"—"Darned if I know, but this morning my sister said she missed
one... Dad had a heart attack, mom fainted, and the guy next door shot
himself."

[Aspen]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about
you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I
went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so
exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be
alive.

[Noctivagus]

'Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a silver tea spoon.'

'Well, sit there and don't stir.'

------------------------------------------------

'Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a pair of curtains.'

'Oh, pull yourself together, man!!!'

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven.

lol @ Aspen's joke

[Kaylis-Americanis]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TFkMuIBlMc

from the tv show Scrubs...

[Aspen]

An elderly gentleman was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one
evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his
wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,
Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were
still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his
host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still
call your wife those loving pet names.'

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said,
'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to
ask her what it is!

[renaeden]

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[Sophist]

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

That's friggin' awesome.

[Aspen]

[AKAConlang]

Why do conservatives always dig around in their cars at the drive-through?


Because they don't like change.

[adhocisadirtyword]