"Looking" like I have AS

[Cathy]

I have been told by two different clinicians (a therapist and a psychologist) that I "look" like I have AS. What does that mean? Do I look funny? When I asked the therapist, she said it was just "something about me" and the psychologist said it was "something about the lack of coordination of my facial expressions" for example, the expression in my eyes not matching the expression on the rest of my face. Now I'm feeling all self-conscious about this... (as if I weren't already self-conscious enough as it was...) Help

[Aspen]

I didn't know that we had a particular "look" but I do think that autistic children seem to me to be prettier than average.

[SomethingElse]

Professionals are possibly more likely to note any awkwardness or flatness as being a sign of autism in autistic people (whereas someone who didn't know about autism might not notice anything particularly 'autistic'). For example, my family are very much used to me and are all quite eccentric/socially awkward in different ways (or used to being around other family members who are), and a question at my assessment was 'do I have an odd gait'. We all said no (we all being my mother, father and myself), but the psychologist put in my notes that I have a 'slightly awkward gait', because she saw me walking, and other people have said that I do have an awkward gait (and a general awkwardness). Other than feeling uncomfortable and uncoordinated when walking sometimes, I had always thought I looked very 'normal', and that did make me a bit self concious for a while (a friend also said that I'm the kind of person she could see getting attacked because my awkwardness suggests vulnerability). Perhaps I am quite lucky in that people seem to accept a lot of my awkwardness without comment, as lots of noticeably 'different' things I do have only been pointed out to me more recently (despite the fact I've always done them).

Also, non-autistic people can read body language, and therefore would notice a lack of body language (including facial expression) where we might not. In someone of average to above average intelligence, lots of people don't tend to notice these things in particular as signs of autism, but a professional would. Also, people who are used to you would accept these things without thought, whereas people who aren't used to you and your ways would be more likely to notice these things. Lots of people think me aggressive/aloof/unfriendly/unapproachable because of my lack of expressiveness, so I sometimes put effort into appearing friendlier, but have also been told that I tend to look more like I'm pulling an unrelated face or I'm grimacing. My family have never reacted to my lack of eye contact, but strangers will react by trying to see what I'm looking at when they're talking to me (as an example of how sometimes we can go years without even realising we do something and seemingly without other people noticing because they're so used to us).

None of these things (that I have mentioned about myself) specifically point to my being autistic, but anyone who knows I'm autistic will likely automatically attribute those things.

Also, I don't think that physically autistic people do have similar features. For example, I remember reading that people with autism have lower ears than people without, but none of the autistic people I know have lower ears than usual. I also think that autistic people are just as likely as the general population to be attractive/unattractive/have defining features/look very average.

If you want to change something (like facial expression) you could probably practise, but if you are happy as you are then I don't think it matters what they have said. It probably doesn't mean that any random person will be able to mark you out as having AS, so I don't think you have too much cause for concern if that is what you're worried about.

[goddessoflubbock]

I think the key is, as Benji said, in body language. After my son was diagnosed I was watching my husband do something and suddenly a light bulb lit up for me and it dawned on me HE also had an ASD, which finally was officially identified.

There's a look, a way of carrying oneself. Clearly I don't know how accurate my passing impressions are but they are prettu good I think.

[Cathy]

Benji, it's interesting that you mentioned gait. I used to be teased a lot for my unusual gait (especially when running) when I was in school. Ugh. And I was one of those kids who could strike out a kick-ball.

I guess I can't really help how I look and move. It's not like I can say to my psychologist, "Oh, thanks for telling me! From now on I'll remember to look normal."

[adhocisadirtyword]

Benji, it's interesting that you mentioned gait. I used to be teased a lot for my usual gait (especially when running) when I was in school. Ugh. And I was one of those kids who could strike out a kick-ball.

With you there... this was me. And I was also told that I "walk funny." I was once caught on the news walking through the mall at Christmas time. I didn't realize I was on camera since I was walking in the opposite direction (so you could only see my back on camera). A bunch of people said they spotted me on the news (despite the shot being crowded with people) because my walk is so distinctive.

I don't think there's anything we can do about the "look." I'm very unconsciously expressive of my emotions and I've heard that sometimes my mannerisms don't match my tone of voice. I've had to work over the years on a "poker face," but it only helps so much.

[Sophist]

I was okay with kickball. But running was poor. Slow, uncoordinated.

As for the look, yes, I have known auties who do seem to have such a look in regards to the coordinated effect of various nonverbals.

Of course a certain amount of awkwardness could also be due to social anxiety, in which case most people "look" awkward when they're anxious.

[renaeden]

For example, I remember reading that people with autism have lower ears than people without, but none of the autistic people I know have lower ears than usual.

I have read that people with Fragile X and ASD tend to have lower ears than other people. People with Fragile X do have a physically distinctive look about them.

I wrote somewhere else that someone at uni asked if I was autistic and told me they could tell by the way I walked and talked. I did feel embarrassed by this and have wondered what do people without knowledge of autism see? When I was in school I got called "retard" and "spastic" so maybe people see something along those lines?

I am sorry, I am not helping here at all...

[SomethingElse]

People have commented on my voice being very monotone and my seeming inability to control the volume (sometimes when I speak noise doesn't come out or only comes out sometimes as well, which I find even more embarrassing working in a school when your voice volume and tone can be quite important), but at school no one ever used those sorts of words to bully me because I was gifted and I was quite obviously more intelligent then the majority (if not all during my early years) peers. I tended to get people call me a tomboy, or a loner, and more along the lines of geek/freak.

People have also always commented on how quiet I was/am, because I hardly spoke.

Hearing about some experiences growing up I appreciate that I was quite lucky. My experience was more like in this school (where the kids love the severely learning disabled children and want to look after them, except I was higher functioning and the boys would look out for me whilst girls did sometimes bully me).

[Sophist]

Except for two girls, my school wasn't bad about bullying. If you were different, they would simply leave you alone. I guess they had better things to do than torment people.

[Cathy]

I was shunned and bullied. Being gifted didn't help in my case... When I was 15, we moved to a different state and started a new school as a high school junior (I had skipped 7th grade.) The new school accelerated me to Calculus in math, and it was easy for me. I aced every test. This did not endear me to the teacher or my classmates (who were seniors and mostly three years older.)

The teacher would remind everyone after each test that I had "ruined the curve" for everyone else. Every day, he would ask the class, "Has anyone besides Cathy done the homework?" Nobody would raise their hand. Then he would call on me to go over all the problems on the board so the others could copy my answers. That usually took up most of the class period. I went to the school counselor because I was upset about how the teacher was treating me. He said, "What's the problem? You're getting an A, aren't you?"

As he handed out the final exam, the teacher announced that nobody should worry about finishing the last problem because he had only put it on the test so that I wouldn't get 100% again. It was not a calculus problem, it was a long computation to be done by hand that nobody would have time to do.

During the last week of school, all the seniors were gone, so I was alone in the Calculus class. I didn't know what else I was supposed to do, so I went to class as scheduled. The teacher told me that if I had a conscience I would feel guilty about ruining the grades of so many bright seniors just before they were going to college. He showed me the gradebook and then he gave me the job of bubbling in the grades for their report cards. He went to the teachers' lounge. I was confused about what he was asking me to do, so I just bubbled in what he had recorded. I did my best to be accurate.

PE was a nightmare. There was a girl in my class who decided that she hated me for some reason. Every day in class she would call me names (really vulgar stuff.) I complained to the teacher and he told me to handle it myself. I tried ignoring her, but the taunts continued. Finally, one day the teacher made us partners to play pickle ball. The bully was furious about that and called me a "f-ing c*nt." I punched her in the face.

I was pretty much an outcast at that school.

[SomethingElse]

That teacher sounds really awful. I suppose it doesn't help to be made so obviously different (we don't really skip grades here, and when I was little the teachers would have to lower my levels on my reports because I wasn't actually allowed to get beyond a certain level (i.e. if I got a level 5, they'd still only be allowed to put level 3 in, as that was the hightest for my yeargroup). However, they did used to just get me work from years above to do, so at least they made some effort. My mum was put into a different set to all her classmates because she was intelligent, but they did bully her so she eventually persuaded her mum to request that she be put back again, where she wasn't stretched but she was socially happier.

Even in secondary school I was really lucky because although I was sometimes bullied (I'm not sure exactly how much as I have realised that I often didn't realise I was being bullied), but people who were 'cool' who went to my primary school would stick up for me. I'm not sure why, really. Other than that a reason for my being bullied (as well as escaping being bullied) in my mum's opinion is that because I was so quiet and unexpressive, other children were slightly frightened of me. For example, if someone doesn't know if I'll fight back, they might be less likely to pick on me than someone who they are quite sure won't. When I was in sixth form, my cousin's friend told me that his entire yeargroup were wary of me because I seemed like the kind of person who might stab someone if they annoyed me. A teacher also expressed the belief that he worried that I would go on a murderous rampage.

Also, though, I've often found that huge groups of popular kids are usually so busy bullying each other and arguing amongst themselves that they don't always have time to campaign against others in the school. And the popular kids in my school were spread out amongst the sets, so you couldn't be picked on specifically for being smart (although you could got being in bottom sets).

[Aspen]

For example, I remember reading that people with autism have lower ears than people without, but none of the autistic people I know have lower ears than usual.

I have read that people with Fragile X and ASD tend to have lower ears than other people. People with Fragile X do have a physically distinctive look about them.

I wrote somewhere else that someone at uni asked if I was autistic and told me they could tell by the way I walked and talked. I did feel embarrassed by this and have wondered what do people without knowledge of autism see? When I was in school I got called "retard" and "spastic" so maybe people see something along those lines?

I am sorry, I am not helping here at all...

I wasn't called "retard" but I was called "spastic" a lot.

[goddessoflubbock]

DS got bullied alot in elementary. Much of it was for the way he walked, he "pinwheeled" more than walked, arms flailing legs going all over, he couldn't walk in a straight line. A pediatric neurologist told me with a straight face that his gait was "perfecty normal". I told him he'd be better at poker....

He also drooled when he concentrated, due to apraxia. He got picked on bc he couldn't stand a lot of noise and would cover his ears and bob his head. In PE outdoors the boys would throw the balls all the way to the end of the yard at the end of class and tell DS to "be a friend and go get them" and he would. Much of this I never learned about until years later. One teacher hit him in first grade and he didn't tell me until last year. I cried that night bc I clearly couldn't protect him.

[Civet]

I was bullied in elementary and jr. high, quite regularly. In elementary school I became "best friends" with a girl who ended up turning on me. We were friends for a year and she'd have me do weird things that at the time I didn't realize were inappropriate, even during our "friendship". After that year we were in different classes and that was when things got very bad, as I guess she must have gotten bored with hanging out with me or something. That was when she'd do really manipulative things like she made me write letters to everyone else I socialized with at all, telling them I could only be that one girl's friend so I couldn't be their friends anymore. She also started hanging out with some other girls and all of them started openly bullying me shortly after that, and would spread rumors about me, and also (worse) the girl who had been my friend told things to people about me that had been shared with her in confidence. After the bullying became really apparent I wised up and stopped being friends with her, at least, but unfortunately I had to endure that until we went on the Jr. high and I didn't have much contact with her anymore.

In Jr. High there was a girl in my gym class who chose me as her target because I was staring off into space, and she decided I was staring at her while she played sports. She asked me over and over again if I were a lesbian and accused me of staring at her, which I denied because I am not and I wasn't. I ended up coming back with a quip to her which made her very angry after I got sick of answering the same question over and over again (I asked her if she was looking for a date ). After that she asked me if I wanted to fight, and I told her I didn't (because she was taller than me and stronger), which I guess must have taken her off guard or something. She continued to harass me with some of her friends, however, by whispering about me and throwing papers at me in the hall and in our other classes. It was pretty awful because she or one of her friends were in most of my classes so I couldn't really escape it : /.

I've had others make odd comments to me, either about lack of expressiveness or weirdness or things like that. I know I come off as timid (and am a bit), so I am kind of easy prey for bullies. Fortunately I never got the "retard" or "spaz" comments, at least, as I also come off as intelligent and always got good grades.