I am currently recuperating, or at least trying to, from a fit of anger I had yesterday. My anger fits are usually always with the same person and over the same issue: communication. I won't go into detail, but this has been ongoing and gradually becoming worse. Initially, long ago, I didn't feel the rage, or if I did, it didn't feel quite so bad. I think this is because I hadn't yet realized what the real issues were and that they would never be resolved. So I had hope, and thought of the incidents as simple "spats" that all relationships had. A good cry was all it took for me to get over it and start anew.
A lot of the communication problem is a result of my literal thinking and my expectations that when someone says something I can believe what they are saying and interpret it accordingly. Also, I have a very good memory and have always been very proud of my memory. It is reassuring to know that one can count on ones ability to remember exactly what was said and done and by whom. I still have this ability, but more and more, I am beginning to doubt myself and it's a feeling close to the feeling of going insane. Someone says something and then later says they never said that. Even now as I write this, my heart is starting to pound in frustration and fear. It makes you want to limit your conversation with a person like that, or end it entirely. But that is not always possible.
So yesterday when this happened and I felt the rage welling up in me, it felt like I was being strangled by pent up anger and had to leave the house immediately. I can handle just about anything, but I can not handle it when someone messes with or tries to corrupt my sense of reality, and perhaps this is not intentionally done on their part, but is do to their own faulty memory which was never up to par in the first place, and then complicated by their poor language, listening and comprehension skills as well. And I have compassion for such a person in their lack of such vital tools, but nevertheless, it gets to be infuriating after a while. Another trigger for my anger is when a person, any person, but especially so when it's the aforementioned person, assigns malicious of forethought or calculated intent to my behavior when that malice and/or intention is not, was not there. I really believe I do not have the skill it takes to calculate my behavior in order to bring about a certain result. I can't be bothered with calculations. I act too fast and think to fast and speak to fast and have no time for weaving a web.
Fortunately it was a nice day. A little brisk, but sun shining and no wind. I walked all over town, which felt very strange. I stopped in the "Dollar Store" (everything in the store is one dollar) and pushed a cart around the isles looking at things, Christmas things mostly, and other people. I called my daughter on the cell phone, not meaning to tell her of the circumstances that caused me to fly into a rage and leave the house, but eventually I ran out of things to say and it all came rushing out, almost an hour of ranting on the phone, up and down the isles with people looking at me and listening to me talk about such private matters in a loud voice in public as if I were a mad woman, but I didn't give a damn who heard what. After that I felt a little better, bought puzzles for my grandchildren and Christmas cards for them to send out to their friends and relatives. Then I went to the market and bought some jambalyah mix for dinner and sat on a bench outside the laundry mat reading a church flyer I found on my walk. A homeless woman walked by, smiling from ear to ear, carrying two electric guitars, one in each hand (which I found strange) and looked directly at me and said "Ah, what would life be without an egg roll and a virgin mary." I tried to make sense out of that and wondered if she was some kind of a sign or something. She went into the Chinese restaurant, I presume to get an egg roll. I stayed on the bench until she came out and walked away with her guitars. Then I went in and got two spring rolls and went to the park and ate them.
A disgusting man was at the park, which is a childrens' park really, parents bring their kids there to play on the swings and such, and there are picnic tables and benches there also. At any rate, as I was eating my first spring roll, this man, who was on a swing, started coughing and hacking and spitting all over the grass. It P*ssed me off so bad. Thinking that the little kids have to play in the grass that he has contaminated with his disgusting phlegm. I wanted to go up to him and tell him that what he had just done was not acceptable and that he was a scumbag, but I didn't. It also made me angry because I think he was some kind of a pervert hanging out in a childrens' park and up to no good. I just turned my back to him and watched the traffic and ate my other spring roll and then I went home.
Today I feel a little better, but I had a terrible dream last night that a man was trying to murder me by applying pressure to my heart. In my dream I decided that I would not go down without a fight and I came up with a plan to outwit him by telling him that I had 10,000 dollars inside the house. He released the pressure on my heart when he heard about the money. My idea was to get him into the house and then break free somehow, or signal for my husband to get his gun and shoot him.
I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now. Dylan