Problems wrapping my head around this

[MercuryGrrl]

I know I'm new here, but I don't really have anywhere to 'unload'.

There are lots of people who have things way more difficult than I have, but at the moment I'm struggling a bit. After the diagnosis/confirmation on Monday, I've sunk lower and lower. It's great having that confirmation, but it's still hard to wrap my head around it. I've known for a few months that I have AS, an a mild form at that, but hearing someone else say it, a professional...

My husband is currently in Denmark with a lot of stress going on - exam next week and the one after that have a high number of fails as the best of days, and I don't have anyone else to talk to.

[SomethingElse]

Maybe it's because, short of confirmation, your diagnosis is useless? (This is only because I have had down times since my diagnosis when I had sort of pinned all my hopes on it - these opinions are based on my experiences, because... I can't very well base them on anything else!).

I was so relieved after I got my dx, and relieved to not have to wait around to see any more psych people, yet I soon became deflated when realising the available help at uni. Most of it seemed pretty pointless, or things were approached in a way I didn't want them to be (like once again letting me do work on my own, instead of group work, when this means that I don't get to do practical work).

Is the confirmation truly enough for you, or do you think you're unsatisfied that it's not official, still? When my uni psych said he thought it was in all likelyhood AS but that he couldn't actually diagnose me officially himself, I at first felt relieved and validated... but then soon felt that it didn't matter, because when I did get my appointment for a proper assessment there was the chance that they (the specialists) would disagree.

I suppose that, when I felt I had something 'wrong' with me, I concentrated on solving it. And now it's solved, I can't pin my hopes on the discovery anymore.. I'm stuck like this for life, through good and bad, with good and bad. If things were going better in my life I'd probably be perfectly happy having AS, but as they're not it just seems like everything about me is a burden (and I know a lot of it is that I feel I was unlucky enough to get some kind of ADD-type-AS instead of having some amazing skills and/or concentration that I can actually put to use. So, instead of it solving things, there's more parts of my puzzle that need to be solved, but I have no real hope of solving them.

Any of this ring true for you, do you think?

[MercuryGrrl]

I don't really know - I don't think so. I already know the uni can't really do anything for me.

It's just hard being alone right now. I'll manage, I have before

Thank you.

[hesperus]

What sort of thoughts have you been having about it (both good and bad) since the appointment? Have you told anyone you know yet or discussed it with them?

[MercuryGrrl]

I've had both good and "bad" thoughts. The good consists of being pleased I was believed, listened to and validated. The bad isn't really bad, but it's "more real" when a professional tell you. What makes this hard, I think, is that I am alone about this now. I speak to my husband on Skype, but it's not the same as having him here, with me.

No, other than him, no one knows. The only person I know RL (other than hubby) is a girl I study with who poked about my FaceBook and noticed the AS-groups. This was before I was diagnosed.

[Sophist]

I hope we can help you feel less alone, Mercury.

I think my life would be very different without the friends and support I get online. It doesn't make life perfect, but then life isn't perfect (I guess that'd be a bit boring if it were, wouldn't it?).

For me, a diagnosis-- the realization-- has changed my life. Not because of what I can get from school or work (although that helps some); instead, it's having a guideline for understanding myself. While labels can be boxes, they can also be somewhat freeing. I have a frame for understanding myself, and I get further in that respect than I used to. I'm not really wandering aimlessly anymore. I know where I'm going.

Hopefully, it can do something similarly for you, too.

[MercuryGrrl]

Truthfully speaking, my life has been much easier since I realized it is AS back in October/November. I've been depressed on and off for years and had a major breakdown November '06. After I 'found' AS, things have been better because I've realized why my life has been difficult.

[hesperus]

Would the girl who poked around on facebook possibly be someone you could talk more about it to? I hope it helps a bit talking on the forums. At the least, it can usually help take the edge off of feeling alone.

Learning about AS later in life does seem help a lot with self-acceptance: to have an explanation for what's been happening for years. I also found that knowing about it put the past (and present) in perspective, and the people around me have noticed I'm less anxious than before (probably because I no longer hide all the time or always keep quiet).

[MercuryGrrl]

She might. I have a hard time bringing up stuff like this, but I could give it a shot.

Thank you

[Sophist]

Maybe it might be easier to initially broach the subject with her online, like in email, rather than in person.

[MercuryGrrl]

Definitely! I suck at actually saying stuff (still have to have the lights off and be in bed with hubby to do so, which isn't too good as he falls asleep no matter how much he tries not to)

I'm really, really disappointed right now. She talked me around to come to her place 3 weeks ago to scrap with her. I've never done it before, but "hey! Someone's showing an interest in me!" (this was after she found out). I thought we had a good enough time... Then we scrapped again last week at this scrap store, and made plans for this Sunday. She canceled last night with a lame-ish excuse. I get disappointed too easily, but I guess the hopes of having someone to confide in was just shot down.

[Sophist]

I hate that, changing plans particularly when I'm looking forward to it (adult tantrum time ).

Well, hopefully you two will scrap again soon.

[MercuryGrrl]

This is the point where I normally back away. I get so frustrated trying to make friends and stuff get canceled or otherwise messed up

Thanks for your support

[Sophist]

This is the point where I normally back away. I get so frustrated trying to make friends and stuff get canceled or otherwise messed up

Thanks for your support

Keep trying. Even if her excuse sounded pathetic, there may have been a better one that she didn't give. I've done that before: give a half-ass excuse to cover up for a more complicated or embarrassing one.

Or she could've just been tired or stressed and didn't think that'd sound like anything convincing.

[MercuryGrrl]

Oh boy, do I know all about pathetic excuses to cover up something else. Thank you