The subject seems to sum up how I feel right now, but I will give it a go.
On Monday I felt almost suicidal. By that I mean I had thoughts of killing myself, and not seeing any reason to go on, rather than wanting to act on them. It was the first time I had felt like that, and it was scary. I went to the doctor yesterday to talk it through and she decided to increase the dosage of my antidepressants. I think a lot of my depression is not knowing where I fit in. I am in limbo with regards diagnosis, waiting to see the psycologist. I feel nobody understands me in my life, and even worse nobody wants to understand me when I make a desperate and hopeless plea for attention or help.
As I put, I currently can't see anything to look forward to. My job is causing more stress and difficulties and will only get worse as the summer season approaches (I work in an airport). I really should get another job, but I'm too aperthetic to be bothered, and it is a usual routine (if shift work is) with people I recognise. I am just about even with my finances, although it is a huge struggle by the end of the month. I am just going nowhere in life - I feel like a wasted talent stuck in a mediocre job well below my intelectual capability.
I just hope a diagnosis comes quickly now so I can accept myself for what I am not what I probably am, then possibly I will be able to, for the first time in my life, plan something for the future.
I leave you with a little poem I wrote a few months ago which just about sums up the way I am feeling.
Life is an explanation
Of words I cannot find
A mass of confusion
A mixture of chaos and time
With gratitude as always,
"When possible becomes realistic you know your targets are too low." - me