Not sure where I fit

[Civet]

Adhoc- I know how you feel with not wanting to deal with people, sometimes I get very shut off mentally, too, and just don't want to have to handle any type of interactions. In response to what you've said about my posts, I suppose I feel a little awkward, but don't worry, I'm also a little flattered I guess, haha. I also don't have tons of time to read through everything here, and even when I do have the time I often can't focus well enough to sit down and read through all the posts, either, because everyone here tends to put a lot of time and thought into their posts, which requires a lot of attention and thought to read (which is a good thing, of course, it just becomes rather tiring).

Benji- I'm not sure what has me feeling that way, I guess it's just something that comes and goes. I can't think of something specific that triggered it.

Sluagh- About the disclaimers, hahaha, yes, I actually thought that as I was typing it.

Renaeden- It's not the only reason I haven't posted as much, I've just been busier in general also, so I don't want you to get the wrong impression that I am feeling terrible about this place or anything, because I'm not really. And thank you, I like you too, and I do like to read your posts. They tend to stand out to me for some reason.

Sophist- Haha, I'd think it odd if you didn't feel comfortable here, I know you don't act like it but for some reason I think of this as "your place" because you've started it and tend to run things a bit around here.

Odeon- Thank you for the reassurances. I do like it here. I guess I just go through these periods of feeling like I'm just in the background and not being heard, and not connecting. I have a lot of moments where that happens, quite literally, in my real life, so I guess I just start to feel like it's happening everywhere, maybe.

It's really odd, but I like what you've said, "I think most of us have experienced that feeling of not belonging, and that, more than a label, is probably what identifies us."

I find it so odd yet also rather reassuring that this is how our group has come to be and is.

[renaeden]

Renaeden- It's not the only reason I haven't posted as much, I've just been busier in general also, so I don't want you to get the wrong impression that I am feeling terrible about this place or anything, because I'm not really.

I had thought you were busy with other stuff, I always think that when someone doesn't post for a while. I noticed you more I guess because I have known you since I first started posting at WP. So I have been extra glad seeing you post here again.

And thank you, I like you too, and I do like to read your posts. They tend to stand out to me for some reason.

Thanks! That is a real compliment.

I guess I just go through these periods of feeling like I'm just in the background and not being heard, and not connecting. I have a lot of moments where that happens, quite literally, in my real life, so I guess I just start to feel like it's happening everywhere, maybe.

I get that feeling sometimes as well. And I wonder if it is just me or it is real. Sometimes I get that feeling and can't see any good reason for it. Eh, that sounds depressing doesn't it? I don't think it is, it is just something I feel from time to time.

[rocketturtle]

i usually just lurk on forums. for me, lurking is a luxury because in my real life i always quickly blurt out responses to everyone. rarely do those responses mean anything to me or accurately describe what i was actually thinking. a lot of the time it is just verbal regurgitation of what i've heard other people say (or people in movies say) to similar types of comments. i guess it is my version of "small talk". i don't get embarrassed by it, strangely enough. i am actually genuinely amused by it (it even makes me laugh). on forums it's different responding to people. when reading posts i will have similar verbal reactions to what people say (or technically, type) but by the time i process that i want to write a response, it's a lot of work for me to translate the pictures and feelings in my head to words (ie, it's already taken me 25 minutes to write the above text). it also takes a lot of energy. i usually browse forums after work, and by then my brain is too tired to put the effort in to write many responses to different threads. i'm on vacation right now, so i have more mental energy.

hmm, i am rambling now and i don't think what i typed above directly answers any of your questions. i will get back on track now.

regarding whether or not you fit in on autism forums because you don't have a formal diagnosis. i can relate to that very well. i don't have a formal diagnosis and i am hesitant to self diagnose. i remember when i brought up the subject of asperger syndrome with my mother. her response to me was "i've been meaning to bring that up with you ... [some stuff i can't really remember] ... i've been working in the psychiatric field for over 30 years, do you think i didn't notice it? ... [some more stuff i can't really remember] ... i just didn't want you to be labeled". despite this, i always doubt whether i really have it or not. i've never been bullied, harassed or have been taken advantage of (actually... there was one time i recall where i was taken advantage of and that was at a job once). i've never had disruptive problems in school. i've only been let go on one job (this is the one where i was hired for two weeks because another employee was going on vacation at that time and they were short staffed. instead of just telling me outright, they led on that it was a permanent full time position. i even turned down other interviews during this time and that's what really P*ssed me off about the whole situation) . all other jobs i left with good references from my managers. i think the only reason i want to have a diagnosis is to check that i'm not hypochondriacing (haha, i just made that word up for the lack of a better one). the thing is though, it's not in my nature to think i have every label that crosses my path. in a way, i feel like an impostor and that i don't really have the right to belong to a spectrum community despite the fact that in the last 2.5 years, i have been able to understand and relate to the motives of people for the first time (at least i feel like i understand people more. i don't know if i'm coming to the right conclusions or not. i don't type much).

i guess the biggest "strike" against me is that i am very functional in a lot of aspects of my life. the major dysfunctional aspects in my life is definitely social. the first is being able to keep friends if i don't have any routine involving them. the second is to initiate or "set myself up for" any kind of intimate relationship. even in the relationship (my whole 29 years of life's experience boasts a whopping 1.5 boyfriends so what do i know...) i make a "wonderful best friend but i could definitely work more on paying more 'intimate' attention to him". having a boyfriend socially traumatized me in a way. that was the first time i became aware of the effect of what i did or didn't do had on the people i was supposed to be "close" to. it made me question everything i did and said to people and i always "erred on the side of caution" because i really didn't know what people were expecting of me unless they clearly told me.

ho hum, i think i'm rambling again. so many thoughts in my brain about this topic.

i don't think i have any helpful advice. i'm sorry, i'm just rambling about myself but i'm going to post this anyways because i've spent over an hour typing this up. i very rarely relate to people, and this is one of the times i do relate to someone so i just wanted to communicate to you that i really think i understand how you feel. i don't know if that helps you or not. i hope it does. you can always email me (or whatever) if you want to tell me about your frustrations.

[Sophist]

Hi, rocketturtle.

I can kinda understand the "functioning" thing. Even though I'm dxed, sometimes I think of how functional I am on various levels. Even in the social realm I'm alright with nonverbal stuff, making some small talk, etc. The only thing is my intelligence and humor have helped me to blend in somewhat. But then I lack that something-- whatever it is, I don't know-- that draws people to me on a more intimate level. I seem to only have acquaintances. Even my one friend, we aren't particularly close. We're more intellectual buddies, probably closer to colleagues in a way.

There is an emotional wall my inherent nature has built; people don't know how to get past or see around it and I don't know how to take it down.