Alexithymia online questionnaire

[Charlie]

I'm actually quite jealous at how well you know yourself - you might not know your emotions, but at least you're aware enough fo them (even if it's the confusion involved) to have been able to answer the questions either way. I can't imagine situations, so I can't recall the 'answers' to the questions. I get this a lot with questionnaires and envy those who are better able to answer the questions.

I am actually hopeless at imagining situations as well, and find it extremely difficult to do it. However, I can remember situations and use these to get my answer. For example one question asked about friends suggesting that I was more in my head than heart. This made me think of times when someone may have said to me that I was being (overly) logical. Also when I go and watch Rochdale play football I find it impossible to bemoan referee decisions which are correct in my opinion, despite the rest of the supporters around me going mad, and I am frequently asked by my friends next to me of my opinion why.

I must have emotions, the problem is that I cannot recognise or portray them in a "normal" way and deduce or say what they are. Oh I think it's good that you can recognise the emotions of envy/jealousy - they are not that common in me I don't think. In all seriousness is envy a constructive or destructive emotion, as from my understanding it is (thinking how to describe it) either something which can spur you on to achieve/get something you want or can give you dislike for someone/thing as they/it has something you would like but do no have. Is that about right?

No wonder I have difficulty understanding emotions if I cannot define what emotions are in simple terms. How can I feel emotions when I have to go through the ritual of defining what every single emotion is in words (which as mentioned above is crude) then seeing what parts of the emotion I am feeling could match with the crude definition, and it would probably require an exact match to register the emotion in me, which would be very hard to achieve in this method. This would explain why things like happiness and frustration are relatively easy to feel, as they have the more simpler definitions.

[SomethingElse]

I... just realised that I don't know what jealous is... I just know that it was an appropriate place to say it, and basically to me meant the same as just saying, "I wish I was that self aware." Well, I know what it is, I just don't know if I actually experience it for real...

Hmm...

[ruth]

Quoting Yessuh:

I must have emotions, the problem is that I cannot recognise or portray them in a "normal" way and deduce or say what they are. Oh I think it's good that you can recognise the emotions of envy/jealousy - they are not that common in me I don't think. In all seriousness is envy a constructive or destructive emotion, as from my understanding it is (thinking how to describe it) either something which can spur you on to achieve/get something you want or can give you dislike for someone/thing as they/it has something you would like but do no have. Is that about right?

I think it would be more of the spurring on to achievement rather than the destructive type of emotion, especially for people like us (can I say that?). Reason being, we all seem to like ourselves too much to want to be anyone other than who we are. This is paradoxical in that many of us have self-esteem issues. And even that term "self-esteem" puzzles me (in the context of my "self") because I believe I esteem my "self" very highly. But I do worry too much about being esteemed by others, failing to live up to their expectations of me even though their expectations might differ greatly from my own. Striving to be esteemed is exhausting. That's why I prefer seclusion as much as it is possible to have that seclusion without shrugging my responsibilities to others which seem overwhelming at times. But back to "envy" and "jealousy". Whenever I use those terms, I use them lightly, with no real attachment to what they really are meant to signify. If I say "I'm jealous" it is meant as a compliment to someone else's accomplishments. As far as material things go, there are many "things" I would like to have (an eye-level oven , another bathroom, money to travel" but ....I would never change or part with one iota of my "self" in order to have them. So, I am not really jealous or envious of someone who does have those things. And I would never ever ever ever ever want to have anyone else's mind, no matter how free of anxiety or depression it might be. I say sometimes "Ah, how nice it would be to get through one day without worrying, without fear, without anxiety," but would I still be the me I know and love if those things suddenly left me? A new and improved me? Who knows.

[Charlie]

Firstly - sorry Benji, I was not trying to have a "dig" at you, as looking at what I wrote it may come across in that manner, a sort of superiority thing. This was not intended

Ruth - I think I followed your points. I am likewise, though it would be advantageous/preferable to have some more material things in life I do not really get bothered by not having them. True - when I am down to my last couple of pounds I may think "I wish I had a lot of money" but that doesn't mean that I am jealous of rich people, as I have things in my life that they don't, primarily my knowledge (or ego!). The most important thing to me are my thoughts and belief system, which like everyone else are totally unique. Therefore to wish to be (like) someone else would be a huge compromise on this, and would destroy the very essence of my self. And not to be my own self is a scary thought, as it means I would lose all the fantastic things that make up me (like my thoughts and belief system).

I guess I am just scared that I would just become part of the crowd doing all the stupid things people do without really thinking. Or not have to think about anything to work out the logical value in doing something. Bah - people are stupid!

[Belfast]

Ruth - I think I followed your points. I am likewise, though it would be advantageous/preferable to have some more material things in life I do not really get bothered by not having them. True - when I am down to my last couple of pounds I may think "I wish I had a lot of money" but that doesn't mean that I am jealous of rich people, as I have things in my life that they don't, primarily my knowledge (or ego!). The most important thing to me are my thoughts and belief system, which like everyone else are totally unique. Therefore to wish to be (like) someone else would be a huge compromise on this, and would destroy the very essence of my self. And not to be my own self is a scary thought, as it means I would lose all the fantastic things that make up me (like my thoughts and belief system).

I experience jealousy & envy (wishing I had that or that I were not like this in some way)-however, I don't actually want to be anyone else. I feel same way about my physicality-I'd never want to look like another person, I merely would prefer to be slightly improved (according to my own taste/aesthetic)-but certainly NOT made unrecognizable.

"Better the devil you know..." and all that-I'd rather be me, who is familiar with me, than to be someone else-a stranger. If it were possible to just become another person, then I'd have to decline-but since it's not possible, then that lets my imagination indulge in the aforementioned fanciful thinking. My perspective is shaped by what's within realm of possibility-so my hopes or desires are bounded/limited by knowing there's no way this would actually happen.

Also, hard to know how much of my frustration with self is due to inherent difficulty vs. those due to interaction between self & the society at large/other people (and their "norms"). So, at heart, I suppose I just wish that "the me that I am" fit better with other folks (that others were more accepting of my differences) AND that my ways worked better for me (admit that some of my difficulties are wholly within my own organism) rather than causing me problems/obstacles. Both of those, not only one or the other...

[SomethingElse]

Firstly - sorry Benji, I was not trying to have a "dig" at you, as looking at what I wrote it may come across in that manner, a sort of superiority thing. This was not intended

I didn't take it that way, but thank you for apologising incase I had.

I've actually been finding it quite interesting thinking about how I mimic word usage (like using words tied in to emotions because that's the emotion that would 'make sense' in that situation, even if I rarely recognise exactly how I'm feeling or why).

[Sophist]

Yeah, like everyone else, my "jealously" or "envy" tends to consist of things like "Man, I wish I had that guy's car" or something. Not actually being jealous of another person's attributes or something. Whenever somebody has an attribute I myself find desirable, I tend to admire them rather than get jealous.

Although were I in a relationship, I can't say whether I could become truly jealous or not. I think I could. Though I hope not irrationally so.

[beware_the_sluagh]

reading the most recent post on mercurygrrl's blog, the link to which can be found in her journal, I was reminded of how sometimes I can observe my body having emotions, while "I" sit there in my head and wonder what the hell is going on. "I" did not think there was any problem, and yet my voice is going all whiny (like she says in the post too), or my body is crying whilst I try and stop it because it's not really an appropriate or useful action at the moment! It's not always like this I don't think, but I don't know what percentage of emotion expressions would be like this. Many stress reactions are like this too. This is why I have only recently realised I probably get stressed - I don't FEEL anything, but my body does weird things like sweat, heart beats faster, I feel dizzy, and all the while I am trying to deal with something and all these weird body reactions are getting in the way. Milder stress examples too, which I did not notice previously as they are more subtle.
I do, however, generally know when I am annoyed, although I think the subtler stages may go unnoticed, I obviously don't know.
When I was very depressed then I might cry a lot, uncontrollably once started, but feel emotionally nothing except maybe mild confusion about how I could have such a reaction without the "me" being involved, which just went on thinking and observing until the physical reaction stopped. It was really very weird.

[renaeden]

^I have found the same thing with some panic attacks - being in the middle of one and wondering what started it and why I am I getting all these symptoms?

[MercuryGrrl]

Thank you for your post, Beware - silly as it may sound (although I have been both "peer-confirmed" and "professionally-confirmed", it's good to see that others experience the same as me when it comes to things as this

[Sophist]

Yes, the body has a mind of its own. But of course once my body starts getting upset, my brain tends to quickly follow suit.

Sometimes just physical symptoms will make me nervous because they might be similar to physical symptoms I have when I am upset when my BRAIN initiates it. And then my brain starts thinking, "Am I upset? Should I be? I guess I should be because my body's upset!"

It's like the feedback loop started off on the wrong end. Usually it's brain-->body-->back to brain, but with that it goes body-->brain and completely misses the first step!

[beware_the_sluagh]

Somewhat related to body doing weird things while you're wondering what the hell it thinks it's doing.
I went to somewhere where Gwri was having an appointment and went to the desk to ask if he was there, and I was generally being all competent because I was going into a strange place and talking to someone and that's all: But then I'm talking and I keep half choking like my throat is closing off or I'm swallowing or my tongues too far back or SOMETHING (I didn't really have time to analyse it) and I'm trying to talk around these weird choking pauses and not sound like an idiot Luckily the conversation was short. It's so annoying when you're out actually DOING something for a change and dealing with things like is considered NORMAL and weird stuff happens that is apparently outside your control and even unknown to you that it is going to happen - like, I didn't know I was going to get weird pauses in my speech, it was surprising and confusing (although happens sometimes so is not unknown, but I don't know WHEN it might happen).
Maybe it's like you're driving and suddenly your car starts behaving a bit weird but you're on a busy road so you have to just deal with it and it's consequences as you go without knowing what's actually going on.

[Sophist]

This whole brain-body connection and all... You know I don't think their actually that well coordinated no matter what Science says.

Body says vaguely: "Brain, I'm going to do something; just go along with it and act natural."

Brain: "Wait, huh, what? What're you going to do???"

Body: "You'll see..."

[enter utterly embarrassing scenario]

[cue blushing, hemming, and hawing]

[close curtains]

FIN

[Charlie]

This whole brain-body connection and all... You know I don't think their actually that well coordinated no matter what Science says.

Body says vaguely: "Brain, I'm going to do something; just go along with it and act natural."

Brain: "Wait, huh, what? What're you going to do???"

Body: "You'll see..."

[enter utterly embarrassing scenario]

[cue blushing, hemming, and hawing]

[close curtains]

FIN

ENCORE - mustn't forget the encore...

[Sophist]

[Body comes back out for an embarrassing Encore and the Bow; Brain waits in the wings]