Bisexuality/Pansexuality: Reactions & Perceptions

[Hippocampus]

Why is it that the lack of a gender-based sexual preference is such a challenging concept for so many people? I should specify that I'm referring to the general lack of understanding and lack of acceptance of the existence of sexual orientations that are not based on gender. There is not such widespread doubt that homosexuality exists, despite the variety of perceptions of it.

Here are some common responses to the idea of bisexuality:

"Everyone is bisexual to some extent."
But if I said I was straight or gay, I wouldn't commonly hear, "No, you're bisexual to some extent, with a preference for one gender."

"No one is truly bisexual. Everyone has a preference to some extent."
How could anyone possibly know this?

"I don't know if bisexuality exists. A lot of people say they're bi in order to get attention."
But people also lie and say they're straight, or gay, for various reasons, including how they want to be perceived. So why is this a reason to doubt the existence of bisexuality and/or pansexuality?

I suspect that people have a hard time with the concepts of bisexuality and pansexuality because the idea of dividing and categorizing things by gender is so deeply ingrained in us.

What other psychological reasons could underly this phenomenon?

[Sophist]

I think there's also the tendency for humans to use ourselves as the basis of all humanity. So in the case of gender, if we seem to only experience more mainstream ideas of gender, it is harder for us to understand and thus accept other variations because we don't know what it feels like. Particularly anything beyond black and white generalizations: male versus female.

[SomethingElse]

Also, to gay people bisexuality is seen as you being 'partly straight' and for some gay people this isn't quite acceptable. The gay people I know would at least tease a bisexual person in the same manner they would a straight person (the lesbians I know regularly use the idea of each other being straight to tease, as though it's an insult, so being bisexual and liking the opposite sex comes under this as well). I'm not saying that it's some kind of bi-phobia, but it seems that it's actually harder to be somewhere in the middle of the sexuality spectrum than it is to lean cleanly to either side of it.

For straight people, if you express any bisexual tendencies, you're then 'gay'. Basically, the labels people attribute to sexuality don't allow for a middle ground most of the time. Also, some people think that being bisexual is just 'greedy' or 'disgusting' because you're not choosing a specific gender to be attracted to. How do you choose that kind of thing, though? And how can you say at any point in your life, if you are attracted to people of both genders (or even more widely, with pansexuality, people of all genders including transgendered and transvestites etc.), a specific gender to 'stick with'?

Funnily enough, it also seems that a lot of people who express some level of bisexuality dislike labelling themselves as such. Some people will label themselves straight if they are dating someone of the opposite sex and then gay if they're dating someone of the same sex (I know at least two people who do this). I've also heard terms such as 'complicated' or 'unsure' applied to people, rather than bisexual.

I suppose that part of the confusion comes from bicuriousity. A lot of people do seem to go through phases where they think they are gay or they think they are bi, but then after experimenting they change their minds (whether it's to do with the company someone keeps, hormones, or whatever). Perhaps it's also to do with preferences - if you show a preference for a specific gender, then sometimes people prefer to think of you as being a specific sexuality, even though you are also attracted to members of the opposite gender (to which you have the preference) - kind of as though there's some misconception that to be bi you have to be equally attracted to both genders.

On top of all of that, you also have ideas of gender. If someone sees themself as a straight male when they're biologically female, it further confuses the sexuality you'd attribute to that person.

Annnd then there's people who don't like to have their sexuality labelled, even if you could apply labels to it.

I'm not sure if I'm making sense... Also, you can apply most of what I've said to pansexuality but it was easier to just talk about one 'label'.

To simplify: Gender and sexuality are actually spectrums, but not everybody sees it that way. Therefore if you fall into a place that's between 'gay' and straight' people have problems understanding it. This confusion seems to increase if you fall between 'gay' and 'bi' or 'bi' and 'straight'.

[Sophist]

Yes, I've noticed some of the gay people I used to hang around with, it's like a big club and if you're bi then you're only a partial member and they want to fully indoctrinate you.

Not all, but this happened more to me in groups, rather than with individuals. Being transgendered, for me, also didn't help this confusion...

[SomethingElse]

I like to think of myself as both a straight girl and boy.

But actually trying to explain this to people without sounding like a freak is impossible. So I tend to just avoid any questions of sexuality, and in turn I am forced to lead a straight life infront of everyone, and an 'undefined' life when hanging out with my cousin and her gay friends. I don't hang out with them at all anymore, though.

[Belfast]

I suspect that people have a hard time with the concepts of bisexuality and pansexuality because the idea of dividing and categorizing things by gender is so deeply ingrained in us.
What other psychological reasons could underly this phenomenon?

Can only guess what lurks in people's minds.
My speculations are only that & aren't meant to defend or justify.
Think that many folks want to know which (one or the other) gender someone is attracted to, it's a shorthand for getting to know someone (like asking what someone's job is or what their positions are on sports, politics, religion, social issues)-
Possible scenarios:
Straight person (S) worries that Bi person (B) is attracted to the straight person (him or her self).
S worries that B is not attracted to S, even though S isn't attracted to B.
S worries that B is attracted to same gender that S is attracted to, which makes B competition for mate.
Frustration or anxiety at not being able to pin person down (figuratively) in simple terms (such as gay or straight-instead this person is "having it both ways"). Not being able to know what to expect (though of course I don't see why a straight or gay person is somehow considered predictable)-bisexuality seems even more "up in the air", confusing, to someone who can't imagine how someone could be "both straight & gay", so to speak.
Believe that being bisexual is a valid trait or way of being (I consider it just as "natural" as being straight or gay), but can understand to some extent how others may have difficulty wrapping their brains around the concept. One could compare this desire to put people in either this box or that box to many other aspects of being human, such as race ("passing" for this or that ethnicity if one has skin color that's in-between), neurological status (autism, ASD dx or NT-and where do we draw the line, what's threshold for which grouping ?), or gender itself (androgenous appearance or mannerisms).

[SomethingElse]

Going by the fact that some people are homophobic because they are in denial (I'm not saying it's a regular occurence as I wouldn't know, but I know of one guy who was very homophobic but then turned out to be bi and is now openly bisexual), if bisexuality is actually quite common and lots of people who define themselves as straight (and want to be straight and would never act on anything but heterosexuality etc. etc.) are in some way bisexual (even if it's just a curiousity and something they don't pay much attention to) the possibility that someone could be bisexual is actually quite dangerous. It then means that their own sexuality (at least how they define themselves) is potentially 'wrong'.

I hope that makes sense, because it does in my head.

[goddessoflubbock]

My cousin and I used to pal around quite a bit, we were very close. He was gay, something I think we all realized from day 1, but couldn't really say what was different about him. He married, had a child, then ran off with a man he met in the church his wife brought him into. (they maintained a great relationshiip after the divorce and he was a great dad).

A few times I was with him several of his friends were there, and at one point my cousin let out that I was bisexual (this was before I married DH also). They all immediately were in an uproar, stating I just date men to "cover" the fact that I'm gay. I never considered myself gay for a moment. I unfortunately got mad and took that moment to hurt my cousin, by announcing who's hiding when he takes me as his "date" to work functions?

He and I lost touch, and in fact he died about 9 years ago.

I remember being 9 or 10, talking to my friend about having babies, she said she'd never have one (and she didn't); I said I wanted children but I wanted to work too (a revolutionary idea at the time!). I didn't want to be a stay at home mom, I knew I'd never be the cookie-baking, cobweb swiping kind of gal. And I'm not. My mother was heart-broken but I'm thrilled to have a stay at home husband, to work and come home and be treated like a queen. I spent much of Christmas vacation home with my kiddoes, and while I love them DEARLY, that's a lot different from spending lots of intense time with them!!

I think we live in a fortunate time, where roles are not as set in stone as they were when I grew up. Anyone who didn't fit a certain specific mold back then was labelled a "freak" and in all likelihood would not even attend school. Now, my son can take a cooking class in school - when I went only the girls were allowed! And only one boy was in the whole typing class. My mother forced me to take that and it's one thing I'm glad she made me do!

[Hippocampus]

I think the issue is complicated by the fact that it is common for people to identify as bi when they are in fact unsure about their orientation (whether they realize it or not). This may reinforce the idea that bisexuality is a phase or an expression of uncertainty. I have known many people who went through a "bi" phase and then decided they were either straight or gay. It never seems to go the other way--that someone identifies as straight or gay and then decides they are bi and sticks with that. Why could this be?

I think that sexual orientation is a spectrum, and one's orientation can change over time. However, it seems some people have a hard time conceptualizing spectrums and fluidity. Narrowly defined concepts and permanence are conceptually more practical. I don't think this way, but I have been close to several people who do, and they have explained it to me.

To further complicate things, sexuality and sexual orientation involve much more than gender. As Benji said, gender identity is a factor. And there are many different variables involved in attraction.

Perhaps bisexuality evokes fear in some people. The reality of bisexuality implies that any member of the straight community could have past or future relationships with a member of the same sex, and that anyone involved in a same-sex relationship could later enter into a straight relationship. This may be frightening to individuals who fear homosexuality and would rather have it completely separated from their heterosexual social reality.

[Sophist]

Yes, for me my gender identity is more masculine and it was this which made me start thinking, "Oh, I must be a lesbian then".

[goddessoflubbock]

But I think it is possible to separate your gender identity from your sexuality. In other words just because you are a female who deems herself masculine doesn't equate necessarily to lesbian sexuality, anymore than being lesbian means you are masculine.

I consider true bisexuality to be the third "sexual preference".

Add in the mix of your head and heart, if you follow them, and you may find yourself somewhere unexpected.

[SomethingElse]

Yeah, although the stereotypes are butch lesbians and girly gay men, there are plenty of lesbians who are extremely girly (and probably lots of men who are very typically masculine).

I've always been a tomboy, yet my mother only asked if I was gay when I started hanging around a lot with my gay cousin. As soon as I said I wasn't she completely dropped the idea. It's only when out with actual gay people that people suspect my tomboyism is some form of butch lesbianism. Yet, most of the butch lesbians I know are blatantly manly and very mature (they act like men, rather than boys). Of course that's not to say that butch lesbians are always manly rather than boyish, but there's basically so many options with both gender identity, mannerisms (because butch women might still identify genderwise with being completely female, for all I know) and sexuality.

[Sophist]

But I think it is possible to separate your gender identity from your sexuality. In other words just because you are a female who deems herself masculine doesn't equate necessarily to lesbian sexuality, anymore than being lesbian means you are masculine.

True. It's just that so far in life, I haven't met any truly "butch" women who are bisexual or heterosexual. I've met women who are hetero or bi and are more tomboyish. But they're still waaaaaaaay more feminine than I ever was. So it was confusing.

Every butch woman I've met (and there've been a few) were always well-declared lesbians.

[SomethingElse]

I know butch women who aren't. Well, I don't 'know' them, but... I know them?

[goddessoflubbock]

I always wondered if butch women don't have a different hormonal makeup. Most women I've ever known who were butch seemed to fit a certain physical type - they were never built in a petite or dainty way (perhaps that's just eating habits?) and never have a "curvaceous" figure - that I've seen. Or perhaps I'm only seeing those women in that light - my own sort of visual discrimination.

My cousin was a very handsome man, he escorted me to a few events at the Philadelphia Academy of Music. My daughter's teacher later stopped me and asked who my date was, as he was gorgeous. Yet after coffee he went home to his partner, the quintessential gay man, a hairstylist who wore colors so bright you needed sunglasses to look directly at him