Ruth

[ruth]

Edited on November 8, 2009 to say that my age is now 67

Current Age: 65

Sex: Female

Autistic Diagnosis: Self diagnosed Autistic Spectrum Disorder (most likely Asperger's Syndrome)

Additional diagnoses: Professional diagnoses: Anxiety, Depression, Dissociative Amnesia

Medical conditions: Supra Ventricular Tachycardia (infrequent episodes)

Occupation: I continue to work as wife and mother, though in work outside the home I am currently retired. Formerly I have been employed at restaurant work, factory work, general and medical secretarial work.

Interests: reading, mostly non-fiction, especially philosophy, anthropology and autobiography; writing (poetry and fiction); music; painting; sewing; gardening; collecting cobalt glass, especially old medicine bottles, books, vintage hats, wood carvings, religious artifacts.

Brief diagnostic history: I have always felt that I was very different from most people and did not fit in well. I prefer my own company to the company of others merely because when I am alone I can pursue my interests without interruption. Socializing for me was and is stressful and exhausting and almost always accompanied by anxiety. I have also felt and continue to feel that I spend most of my time observing life instead of living it and that I am somehow "fake" and must act my way through life and the various experiences that life is composed of. I believe that I lack what is called "common sense" and that my own "uncommon sense" is far more sensible. There have been times when I have suspected and still suspect that I was/am retarded in some subtle way. Rejection by anyone is devastating to me and makes me physically ill as does being accused of something that I have not done and which I would not do because I would consider it to be unethical. I am also devastated to have ulterior or malicious motives attached to my actions or behavior when none exist. My words are often misunderstood, hence, clear communication is extremely important to me. Anger frightens me. I obsess over the slightest mistakes and worry that I have done or said something that might be considered hurtful or inappropriate. I also obsess over my health at times. Because all of these "symptoms" if you will, have been with me for as long as I can remember, I have often thought I might possibly be insane, and of course, numerous psychologists have ruled that out but not given me any alternatives to explain my problems. It occurred to me, before I knew anything about Autistic Spectrum Disorders, that perhaps I was a bit autistic in that so much of my time was spent "in my mind" and happily so. However, this initial self-diagnosis was given little consideration or credit by me because I thought it would be impossible for someone to live the life I have led and accomplish the things that I have accomplished - marriage, children, work, school, etc.and still be autistic. In April of 2007 I saw Temple Grandin on television and recognized myself in her. That was the beginning of my awakening and I have been reading about and researching Autism and communicating with other autistic individuals on line ever since. Even if my current psychiatrist, whom I greatly respect and with whom I am building a good rapport, does not give me a diagnosis of Asperger's, ( it is he who has given me the preliminary dx 300.12), I will continue to believe my own self-diagnosis as I think it would be entirely possible and highly probable that dissociative amnesia, like PTSD, could certainly be an outgrowth or co-morbid of Autism.

Sexuality:
I think I have been aware of myself as a sexual being from a very early age. I was the first born and my mother came home from the hospital with my new baby brother on my 2nd birthday. I remember this very clearly as I had been told that my new brother was my birthday present. I couldn't understand what all the fuss was about. He was red and ugly and cried all the time and had something very different between his legs and that something different was what made him so special, or so it seemed. All the relatives kept saying "A boy! A boy! How wonderful." I didn't envy his penis, but it disturbed me that such a fuss was made over him because of it. So I knew from the age of two that boys and girls were different because of their genitals. Of course these genitals had no names, they were just there. I think children should be taught from a very early age the correct names for those parts. I never heard my parents say either penis or vagina. I had a front bumpty and a back bumpty. My brother had a pee-pee in the front and a bumpty in the back. It was all very secretive and weird. Touching our private parts was prohibited. I did it secretly whenever I got the chance, though it wasn't actually masterbation, in my mind, it was no different than stroking my forearm or my earlobe or the bridge of my nose with my index finger as I sucked my thumb.

* gender
* interests/obsessions
* the diagnostic process
* co-occurring conditions (e.g., ADHD, OCD, etc.)
* your talents
* social phobia
* high school experiences
* college experiences
* Disability
* friendships
* relationship with parents
* autism in your family
* Broader Autistic Phenotype/Autistic Cousin/Shadow Syndrome
* autism research
* health care

[ruth]

Literalism, Coping in the Workplace & Bullying

I am a very literal speaker and listener. Taking things literally, while it has it's advantage in making me a very good thinker, writer and analyzer, has put me at a disadvantage in the workplace, and also, but to a lesser degree, in social and personal relationships. However, in the social and personal area, the problems that I experience from literalism, can be more easily solved and have no serious impact on my life, on the condition that I am made aware that I have taken a statement, comment, body of information literally when I should not have. Knowing this makes me aware of how often and easily I get confused in verbal or face to face conversations, and makes me wonder how much incorrect information I have stored in my head. In other words, how reliable is my concept of reality, (experience, action and reaction), or that part of reality gained from conversation/spoken word only? How reliable is my own history and memory? It's very unsettling to think I have acted and reacted in ways that I would not have acted if I had the correct information.

I tend to especially get hung up on or confused by "floating" pronouns and usually ask for clarification, but a lot of people I talk to get annoyed when I ask "who's he?, where's there?, what do you mean by that?, who are they or we?, when is then?" This happened to me so often in the workplace, where what I heard, though technically or literally correct, was not what was being transmitted in the speakers mind or to the speakers knowledge. I acted on what I was hearing but not according to what the speaker intended by way of instruction or information necessary for me to do my job. So many mistakes could be chalked up to this problem "of mine", but the result was me being thought of as incompetent or a "dimwit" or a person who could not or would not follow instruction. I was treated badly because of people's mis-perception of me, and gained a reputation I didn't deserve and the mal-treatment that goes along with such a reputation, which, in my opinion, was a form of bullying. I cringe to think back on those experiences. If I had any clue about Asperger's at that time I would have understood what was going on and taken steps to prevent it. Instead, I punished myself by thinking I must be a hopeless dummy and everyone was right to have and show contempt for me. i experienced a great loss of self esteem. The stress of being disliked and badly treated affected my health and my performance and the whole thing grew like a snowball. It's really a very sad situation for anyone to be in and not something you can just shrug off. I try not to hate those people when I think about them, but really, the thing is, I would never treat anyone like that and I can't understand why others would treat me that way. Human Relations departments have got to be educated to recognize these trends in the workplace and during the hiring phase. Lives are being put on the line needlessly. Autistic people are being limited and kept from reaching their potential and their contributions and originality are going unnoticed or being un-rightfully claimed as the contribution and originality of the abuser/bully. Credit is not being given where credit is due, credit is being taken deceitfully by the bully who does not realize or refuses to believe that "you can not/should not steal someone else's fire".

[ruth]

Anxiety/Panic Disorder

The symptoms that I experience from this disorder are many and change over time to be major or minor in severity and impact on my life. For the last three days I have had major nausea and abdominal distress. The slightest trigger can set it off. Once set off, it can last for hours or days. And what ever symptom is ruling the roost, that symptom takes on an ominous or life-threatening role, so it's not just nausea and spastic stomach/diaphragm, but in my mind, or in my panic state, it's a combination working together trying to kill me. I know this sounds absurd, but it doesn't feel absurd, it feels real and actual and it comes close to making me wish I was dead, not because I want to be dead, but because I want to escape the feeling that I am on the brink of death. Living like this for so long has brought about a drastic change in my personality. So to sum it up, the symptoms take turns being major or dominating. I recover from one, think I'm home free, and then there's an attack from another front. It seems to me like a long battle with a short reprieve that's just a tease to keep me going till the next strike. It's more chronic than individual attacks. A long war with one battle after another and a brief picnic in between.

(to be continued)

[ruth]

Visualization/Mental Imagery

I have excellent capacity for visualization (in color) from both memory of actual things visualized throughout my lifetime and also creative visualization, visualizing things that I have not seen before and do not exist outside of my imagination. Much of my art work is based on creative visualization. I see what I paint before I put it on canvas. For example, I visualize a room; the walls, the windows, the furniture, the objects and or people in the room. I also visualize faces although I have no way of knowing whether or not I have seen certain faces in real life and retain memory of them, or if I have created them from scratch. But usually the faces I see could not have been seen before, unless they are a composite of many bits and pieces, as they appear to me in the abstract style in which I paint.

Imagination of Sound
What I mean by this is that I imagine hearing sound but do not see sound. I can very easily and enjoyably imagine sound, and usually in the form of music. This phenomenon usually occurs as I am drifting off to sleep or while dreaming, or sometimes upon waking from sleep or a dream. These sounds, this music, is always unique, not something I've heard before, but music which my mind alone has composed. The music always strikes me as being shockingly beautiful and I am amazed that I, my mind, has created such a beautiful sound. Sometimes a single voice (not mine) or group of voices sing along with the music, lyrics that are intricately woven into the meter and that would be extremely difficult for me to write if I were wide awake and making a fully conscious effort. As soon as I become aware that I have the music going on, I quickly try to write down the lyrics, and jot down some semblance of the notes and rhythm before it leaves my mind. Also, when I am conscious, any time I choose, I can hear choral music (just like turning on a switch) that is totally unique, and actually being created spontaneously at will. Sometimes there are major and minor voices which I can separate from the choral group and hone in on, also at will. It's fascinating and I feel very fortunate to have this ability. I wish I had the talent to put it down on paper as a composer does, but perhaps, if I led a different type of life with no other responsibilities, I could devote my life to doing that.