beware_the_sluagh

[beware_the_sluagh]

Current Age: 25

Sex: Female

Autistic Diagnosis: self-dxed Asperger's (I don't understand the autistic cousin, NLD, P??NOS or any of those so if they apply better, I wouldn't know; this is simplest)

Additional diagnoses: have had depression; a lot of anxiety; suspect I may have ADD of some description; possiblity of Bipolar type II (I think that's the right designation). The depression is a definite, the rest of it may be simply tangled up in that. All of these have been present essentially all my life - at least age 8+.

Medical conditions: (well, this is more health problems since not diagnosed with anything): fatigue; recurring upper back and neck pain; recurring rsi in wrists; allergies to dust, grass, many plants, pine oil; exercise induced asthma as a child; suspected milk allergy as a child and possibly now; dysmenorrhea; myopia

Occupation: computer programmer, full-time.

Interests: interested in almost everything I discover information on, particularly: crafts; sewing; fashion; fabric; weaving; gardening; cooking; insects; dams and power generation plants; steampunk; cyberpunk; subcultures; science fiction; genetics; writing; mechanical things; martial arts; weapons; simulation computer games (eg. civilization, the sims, simant); different ways in which people think and perceive.

Brief diagnostic history: So, onto the interesting/complicated bit....
When I was aged somewhere 9 to 11, I read an article, maybe in Reader's digest, about autism. It was the "head-banging and sitting in a corner rocking" kind of autism depiction mostly. However, I identified with it somehow, and thought maybe I had autism, whilst also thinking, "don't be an idiot, you're nothing like that".
Aged somewhere 20 to 22 I did some tests someone gave me that gave you a Autism Quotient, and also Systemising and Empathising scores and scored more autistic than average, but I didn't have much information, and didn't think I "had" autism.
Aged 24, I, through a blog about the clothes design and production industry run by an autistic lady, was led to more online tests, and information, the Aspie quiz (by rdos) and to Gestalt, somehow.
I am not entirely certain of my self-diagnosis. I might say my Asperger's was "mild", or that I would have been given a diagnosis as a child if someone was so inclined to consider it but now I have changed, or .... It is a very difficult to know oneself, or feel sure. Other people on here all seem to be far more obviously autistic, which is why I doubt.
Some reasons I think I am different now in this regard to when I was a child are that when you are a child people can control you and put you in stressful situations and say you have to do things. Now, I can avoid them if I want and am not forced to interact if I am tired and so on. I am less anxious now, and I realise more of what is normal and what is not, and I know that I am allowed to do many things that I thought I could not do as a child and teenager. I have also learnt many things along the way of course, that I could not do before, or did not understand before. I cannot see any connection between the me now and the me as a teenager. There is no way the me as a teenager and child could ever have imagined being the me now.
It would be interesting if I ever got a professional to assess me, but I don't think they would diagnose me because they cannot see what is in my head. However, people can see far more in me and my behaviour than I can in them, so maybe they could tell after all. People can be frighteningly perceptive.

[beware_the_sluagh]

So, why do I think I have any kind of autism at all?

The main thing was social. When I was a teenager, it caused me a lot of distress that I did not know how to have friends. In fact, other than one friend, I had never formed any on my own, and was often lonely and upset about this. As a child (before being a teenager) I had one friend and some acquaintances from school. I had more friends in the neighbourhood children, but I'm not sure how that happened. Maybe there was less pressure and less competition, or maybe it is because my sister was there too.
Actually trying to have friends was even worse - I would panic and cry at home for days at not knowing what to DO with these friends. How do you have friends? It still puzzles me. I realise now that this was made worse by my belief that one HAD to have friends and do certain things, that you were not normal without them, and you couldn't be happy either - and they HAD to be the same kind of friends everyone else had. I now realise that I will be happy in whatever way I am happy - not everyone is the same, not everyone needs people in the same way. Sometimes I am lonely though for people to talk to about the things I like.
I remember specifically learning some things other people don't remember learning. I remember studying them. One study was on "how are you". What does it mean? When do you say it? What is the reply? How does it interact with "hello"? I observed others, and tried out different tactics. I'm still stuck, as I was when I was 14, on the "passing how-are-you". This tricky situation is encountered when someone is walking past you in the opposite direction and says "hello how are you?" and is thus too far away for you to reply by the time they have finished unless you chase after them or yell. Other studies were in "hello/goodbye" and "thank-you", and more recently how to have a conversation, "good morning" and greeting a group of people or leaving a group of people, of which neither of the last two seem possible for me to do. I also have different rules for politeness that I follow and no one else in the world does, thus I insult them slightly and they insult me slightly quite frequently.
I read a lot of stuff by Desmond Morris(?) as a teenager - the naked ape, stuff on hand gestures - and stuff on business dynamics and the difference between men and women in social situations and body language and all sorts of things that may have been an unconscious attempt to actually understand what the hell was going on with people.

With regards to sensory things.
I have never understood how people could seem to be smashing crockery together and slamming together cutlery and not find it... not quite painful as such but awful all the same. I go to great effort to do these things as quietly as possible, whilst turning my head away and "closing" my ears and scrunching up my face whilst hunching my shoulders up around my ears in preparation for the impact. Maybe this is an autistic sensory sensitivity.
I hate sunlight, I have to look straight down at the ground on sunny or bright days, and I still squint and get sore eyes.
I also get confused when it is dark and raining and there is traffic going past as it is highly disorienting and if a truck headed straight towards me in that situation, I don't know if I'd be able to work that out or get out of the way.
Sometimes, I am very sensitive to traffic and noise and confusion and simply can't think with it all going on and can't make decisions, like do I want lunch or what do I want to do or how to cross the road without getting hit by a car.

With regards to social situations.
Previously, I didn't understand why as a child and teenager I'd not be able to talk to people or summon up a conversation when I was tired, and why I got tired in social situations. The worst thing was at anything to do with school and I was trying to sit there and stare at the wall and people keep coming over to ask if I'm all right - I would be, if you left me alone!
Most people seemed to talk about things that were boring and of no importance. People are concerned with silly things. I didn't like the normal conversational topics, and couldn't have those conversations. Yet other things I can talk about fine, even though those topics are also of no importance.
Only around the age of 19 did I become able to buy things in shops and so on where there are interactions with strangers. I still don't like to, and I hate phones especially. I remember I used to want to get something in a shop that I had to ask for, and I'd ask Mum "What do I say?" and she'd say, "Just tell them what you want" and I'd say "No, what do I SAY?!" HOW do I tell them what I want? What are the WORDS I should use? What sentence?
One example in a dairy. I manage to work out I should say "I'd like this please". I practise it in my head and go up to the counter. I start to hand over the thing -- and the man says "Hello, how are you". In my head, I panic. What has happened? The plan is derailed! I hadn't thought that he might say something! But, I come to my senses - stick with the plan "I'd like this please". The man serves me. It worked. I am relieved.
I don't think anyone I've told this story to understands what the hell I'm talking about, really.

People have recently told me I seem detail-oriented. I am not sure about the other traits that I don't have specific examples for. I don't see them in myself.
I know I used to love playing with bowl-like plastic blocks that stack both on top of each other in decreasing size and inside each other too. And some other blocks I made sets of according to colour, size, shape. I used to sort my bags of lollies into groups and sets. I recently enjoyed organising my spice drawer according to how whole the items were, and our CDs in alphabetical order. I enjoyed it so much I am now, for the purpose of relaxation, organising my clothes drawers essentially in order of increasing coverage and distance from the body the item is worn at (ie. in terms of layers). I like to organise things, plan things, make lists and have things sorted according to what I think is logical. All other things will be piled in a big pile of mess. I love to collect things I love my things, and need everything I have, plus more, contrary to what people who have/do live with me think

Stimming?
Mostly rocking, which I do a lot when sitting, particularly when I'm out somewhere, when anxious, sad, excited, or experiencing any emotion at all really. When lying down, I wiggle my lower body, which is kind of rocking when one can't rock. When in bed I move one foot or leg constantly too. Often when talking to people or nervous I rub my hand constantly, and sometimes say the things that are worrying me outloud repeatedly. I'll also stand on the outside of my feet and/or tense all my muscles in my legs in social situations, which I think is a kind of stim.
I don't understand echolalia really so I don't know if this is related to that, but I like to say words and phrases sometimes for the fun of it, and have favourite words or sounds that I say randomly when I feel like it, or in place of other words or sentences when with family.
eg. "would you like a cup of tea?"
"meow"

With regards to talking.
Sometimes, it is hard to talk. Sometimes I have no words, and sometimes it just seems like an insurmountable effort to get them out; it is hard sometimes to interact with the world, particularly people.

I feel totally at home on Gestalt. I understand a lot of what people are talking about, and people seem to understand me. I am not the same as any other one person, but I am similar to many bits and pieces of the other people here, and I quite like that.

[beware_the_sluagh]

May I point out that I can write endlessly on anything I bother to write about at all, and I AM well aware of that fact - in case someone DOES read this who doesn't already know me and thinks "wow, she does go on a bit, doesn't she?".

Edited to add: I might tidy up any or all entries in here to make them more appropriate and easier for people to read, rather than rambling; I'd kind of like these to make sense and be an accurate record.

[beware_the_sluagh]

Self Diagnosis
Is it useful? What is the point? What if one is wrong? Why would one want to?
The problems with diagnosing oneself with something, involve, of course, whether one is right, whether anyone will believe the diagnosis, whether it is useful, and what it means.

Finding out more about Asperger's was useful to me because it said that I was allowed to be different, and that the things I valued needn't be the things other people valued. It said that I wasn't necessarily weird in a bad way. Perhaps a person shouldn't need a diagnosis of something to feel that way, but there is a lot of misery involved in being different because you think there is something wrong with you. Of course, for some people a diagnosis of something might make them feel WORSE because it means there IS something wrong with them, but I see it more as "this is who I am" - oh, it's just part of who I am? Well, that's ok then.

However, what about the possibility of everyone who thinks they are different just latching onto some diagnosis of something to make themselves feel better? I have thought of this. Sometimes I think that maybe I am making it all up and I should stop being silly, and stop taking attention away from those with REAL problems - not silly little things like I think I have. This is a source of insecurity. However, these things I have mentioned in previous posts, social things, had a fair amount of effect on my child and teenage years, even though they continue to be only a minor inconvenience now.
Despite the minor current effects however, I can see how these things limit my options and choices. I avoid the things that would cause larger problems. Even the stress caused by consideration of doing something different prevents me from doing them even if I want to. I fear that certain career and life paths will remain closed due to my dislike of dealing with people and my lack of understanding of some social things. Also due to my inability to talk on the phone effectively and my anxiety regarding phone calls.

There are also things I don't know about myself that other people may see. I don't know what other people notice and if I seem weird to them. I only recently, in the last year or two, have started to realise that people DO see things in other people. I feel I see about as much in a person - thoughts and emotion-wise - as I do in a desk or a refridgerator: nothing. Now that I know that people all about me are OBSERVING and NOTICING I wonder what it is that they observe or notice. It's very disurbing when someone does say something perceptive; I totally freak out inside, wondering how a person could know such a secret thought of mine that I thought completely hidden. I have only recently realised that I only see a person's actions and words, whereas others might see INTO that person - motives, emotions, thoughts, plans. I probably see more of this "inner" stuff than I realise, but....

I don't want to tell anyone, really, that I think I have Asperger's, a form of autism. Would they believe me? What if I insult someone because I am "too normal"? Not that I have to tell anyone, but if it came up...
This is why some people don't think a diagnosis like this would be useful - if you don't tell anyone, if it isn't treated/treatable, if you don't want to fix it, if it doesn't get you any special services, if nothing HAPPENS, then why is it useful? I on the other hand think that people need to understand themselves to live a good and happy life and improve themselves. I feel it's better to have a reason, because it makes things more meaningful - there's a pattern, there's a category.

I've always felt bad about claiming I had some kind of problem, but I have always wanted someone to tell me what was wrong with me and why I felt the way I did. I didn't tell the counselor that I had to see at school (not sure why I saw her, something to do with having no friends I think) all the things I felt and how miserable I was because it seemed like I was asking for attention, or making my "little" problems into big things when other people had bigger problems that were far more important than mine. I thought I was just being silly, wallowing in self-pity, and being lazy. I tend to think I should just be able to deal with things, and that complaining about them is bad. I still don't think my problems are really important, and I'm not sure whether they are or not. This all also means I cannot tell if my self-diagnosis is accurate, or if I'm just the same as everyone else, being an idiot and making a big deal of things. I mean, I have a job and education, I live my life, what could possibly be wrong?

[beware_the_sluagh]

Concentration

I have always thought that my concentration is not very good, although if I tell anyone this, they disagree with me. It seems that I do a lot of things, and do them well, and people thus think i can concentrate well. Perhaps that is it. However, from some time in high school, when I learnt that concentration was a "thing" that people were supposed to have, I've thought that mine is bad.
I did an online ADD questionnaire, that I cannot remember the link for now, and if you get over 20 for your score you most likely have ADD and I got something like 50 I got my husband to do it, and he got 0, so it is not just something that "everyone" scores something on.
For a couple of days I timed how long I spent on work at work. I wrote down the time each time I switched activity - from working, checking email, making tea, going to the bathroom, writing a list, etc. Since I recorded it when swapping, I don't think it impacted my actual activity much. I ranged from 2 minutes to 1 hour of constant working, with the average length of time spent working in one go being just under 15 minutes. This correlated with my guess of how long I do things for - about 15 minutes before I start doing something else. This is not just with work, but reading books and doing hobbies and stuff like that, too. I swap tasks after about 5-15 minutes. This means I FEEL like I did something, because I might go and do my hobby 4 times one Saturday, so I feel like I have got a lot done. But, I have nothing to show for it because it is only 20-60 minutes of work on it! But, I had to motivate myself 4 times.
It is hard to keep doing something, hard to do the same activity for any length of time without swapping, hard to get my mind to settle down to the task, especially hard to do boring things, hard even to watch a movie because they are too long. Listening to the radio or watching TV is often abandoned at the ad-break because I can't be bothered waiting through it and I just go and do something else instead.

When I was a child, I don't know if this happened. People say "ADD doesn't just start when you're an adult", you have to have childhood symptoms too. Although I did as a teenager, I'm not sure about as a child. Maybe I just never noticed. I do remember hyper-concentration as a child, where I'd do things for ages and not eat or go to the bathroom until desperate, but I think these have decreased as I've gotten older, unfortunately. I think partly because I have become afraid of wasting time, and I prevent myself from going into "the zone" because I have so many things to do I don't want to spend ages on this one thing (or, I think I have lots to do, but really don't and my constant activity switching means I do little anyway). This is merely speculation, however. The longest I can do things now is for an hour to 1.5 hours before I get bored, etc. But I also get tired a lot, so this could also be affecting some activities - like patternmaking (for clothes) where I have to stand up to do it because of the height of the table, etc.

I really wish I could just spend a few hours DOING something, like I'm sure I used to.

[beware_the_sluagh]

ANNOYING NOISES

Sometimes, you just really want some peace and quiet. No matter where you are in the house, you can hear the noise from the computer game your husband is playing, even when the doors are shut. You don't know why, but it is driving you crazy. Even being able to hear it the slightest bit annoys you. Admittedly, if you hadn't been primed for the annoyance, you might be able to ignore that minute sound, but now - you can't. You try to drown it out with music, but the music is another noise. Now you have noise upon noise. When you're already annoyed, any more noise is just more annoying, even though music is normally relaxing. Instead you have to go for a walk, where it is mostly quiet because it is night time. Unfortunately you have to come back home and he won't turn the noise off immediately so you get irritated again.

Other annoying noises: advertisements on tv or radio, sufficiently annoying to just give up on the medium; push mowers; electric mowers; chain saws; hedge trimmers; buzz saws; the ice cream truck music; loud radio talk shows down the street; car alarms;

These things are just so irritating. I can't do anything with them going and I get very annoyed at everyone and everything.

On Being ANNOYED

Being annoyed is not just a minor thing, and you can't just ignore it. It distracts you, it prevents you from thinking. While annoyed you make more mistakes and are more clumsy, which makes you even more annoyed. Other physical and sensory stimuli is more intruding, even ones that might normally be enjoyable. You get annoyed at people. If things do not go exactly as planned or people do not act in the exact expected way it is more frustrating than normal. Labels and my hair itch my neck more than usual. My eyes might itch more, or I might sneeze. You want to hit things/animals/people. You want to throw things. You feel like grabbing your hair with your hands, shaking your head from side to side and yelling. You might cry with the frustration of it. It feels like it has nowhere to go, you can physically feel the emotion inside you, in your chest or torso generally, it is in all your muscles and they are tense.

And then, if people see you are annoyed, they will disregard your experience, claim that you are not annoyed and tell you that you shouldn't be annoyed as if it were something you could help. Yeah - do you think I like feeling like I'm going to break apart from the strain of not screaming my head off and smashing things? People will patronise you, treat you like a child and contribute to the annoyance instead of perhaps leaving you alone or allowing you to stop the annoying thing from annoying you. (Of course, to stop some people from annoying you, you'd probably have to render them unconscious, so that's probably not a good idea )

[beware_the_sluagh]

This may or may not be asd related, but is part of the case study of me, and what I was thinking about on the walk home today.

When I was a teenager I was essentially addicted to two things - reading and day dreaming. Both of which were kind of like "escape from life" activities, and the second of which I deliberately tried to stop doing eventually because it removed me from my actual life too much, and the first of which - I think I don't do much of now for the same reason, but less of a conscious decision. I can't read responsibly

Anyway, the reading is really the lesser point, so I'll just briefly say I read at least a book a week, sometimes up to two a day.
"day dreaming" for want of a better word, as I've never been entirely sure what other people mean when they say that. Generally they were fantasy or science fiction kind of adventures with me in them that were, for whatever reason, not usable as ideas for stories as I tried to write some of them but it didn't work. I used to just lie on my bed and live them, and they probably took up more than half of my free time, where free time is defined as time not spent sleeping, eating or going to school.
The rest of my free time was spent reading, playing computer games, or doing various projects that were the result of brief enthusiasms and always failed or were left undone when the enthusiasm and motivation were gone, and, often, when it turned out that they were beyond my skill level anyway.
Sometimes, I would just lie on my bed and think/day dream from when I got home from school until dinner time, then after dinner until bed time, then I'd go to bed properly and lie there some more until I fell asleep.

I think the whole thing developed, actually, as a pre-sleep thing. As when I was a child (ie. under 10) I used to be bored waiting to fall asleep so I learnt to daydream to fill in the time. Eventually I think this is what prevented me from sleeping properly as I'd lie there for hours thinking instead of sleeping, thus loosing 1-4 hours sleep a night.
Not much happens in these day dreams by the way, so I'm not sure what filled in the time; I don't think I usually slept, as I didn't have dreams/wake up from any dreams or feel like I had been asleep.

After a few days of intensive daydreaming, the need to do so generally wore off a bit, and i hardly needed to do it at all, or not at all for a day or two. However, if I decided it was bad and not to do it (so as to make better use of my time) or was prevented from doing it by being busy with external things or being on school camp or something, I'd end up slipping into it accidentally whilst sitting or waiting or walking or whatever. It was like a necessary thing to my survival. I'd start sort of getting desperate to have a good lie-down and day dream to relieve the need/pressure/insanity from being "awake" all the time.

As a sort of aside, I never found sleeping particularly restful, and it was like a necessary evil - I had to sleep as one generally does, but I'd always feel worse and more tired when I woke up than when I went to bed (I'd gradually improve through out the day) and often sleeping was somewhat exhausting, and dreams were usually stressful and tiring. Sometimes though sleeping was useful because if I was supposed to do some stressful homework or something, I could say to myself "I have to sleep now, so I have a good excuse not to do it".

Eventually, I'm not sure when - maybe around age 19 or 20? - I decided to stop doing it so I had more time to actually do things, and so now I hardly ever day dream like that, and if I feel the need to I try and substitute computer game playing, reading or something else like that in which is still pretty pointless and a kind of escape, but not as pointless as the daydream thing, and not as addictive or likely to steal your life away. However, at times like now I kind of feel the need to do it and escape for a bit, but I just can't get into the right state of mind and get absorbed in it, which is what started happening after I stopped doing it so much.
The sort of interesting thing is is that I used to lie there with a book in case someone came in, and lie about what I'd actually been doing, like it was wrong or something?
Also, I still feel kind of upset about the whole thing. I don't really understand it, I don't know if day dreaming is the right word, why I felt so drawn to do it, why, what, how....

The munted thing is that now, despite not spending all that time doing that, I still don't use that much of my day; I do a lot more stuff now, and actually finish things now occasionally but I still spend a lot of time sitting around staring into space or something, sleeping, resting, or time-limited rests that may involve some daydreaming. Almost the first time I actually finished something was when I was 20 or so, and my family was all amazed, and didn't really believe it, and were still despairing when I started new projects as they didn't think I would ever finish them, etc - so people did actually notice this trend. It was quite amazing for me to actually finish something for a change, although I still have trouble with it.
Mostly now, however, instead of being in alternate fantasy worlds, I am imagining the fantasy of doing projects and finishing them, but I can't generally make myself move in order to do them, or get the motivation to do so, or something.
This sort of relates to the autistic inertia thing I guess, but that's a sucky explanation; I want a better one and a solution of some type. It still makes me sad to be so inactive.

I'm really upset that I don't feel like I'm living my life, and that everything is a search for a solution. And even if I find a solution, I can't apply it retroactively. Like I said, I reckon I spent half my free time lying on my bed in my room from the age of about 10 to 20.
And I don't feel I can achieve anything now, and most things get left half-done or barely started, and pretty much all goals have to be abandoned from lack of energy, lack of motivation, or the weird fact that after periods of total lack of motivation, I totally forget what I was doing before that period and start on new projects with no recollection of the old ones until I suddenly realise, one way or another, that I forgot about it - usually by finding the project months later.

Anyway, I guess that's all. I essentially have no hope of achieving any of my goals whilst this continues.

Also, this post was originally about the weird daydream thing and wondering what that was really ABOUT, in case you, also, forgot my original point.

[beware_the_sluagh]

Beware!! Long!!
(also in my journal)

I think I might have resolved one of my "haunting" memories. You see, stuff happens to me, and then I remember it forever (well, a long time) and I can't get rid of it, and every so often it comes back up and no matter how much I try not to think of it, I keep finding that I am - I replay it and have imaginary arguments, etc. I think, but I'm not sure, that I'm trying to understand it. And it's generally minor, but it just won't leave me alone, and at the very least it's frustrating to have to think about the same vaguely sucky memory for hours in a row.

A lot are about school - schools make me feel a bit ill now there's so much stress associated with them. Particularly, school camp, which I hated a lot, but I have been considering them in the last year or two with respect to autistic traits, and I believe this provides more insight into why I didn't like them.

One particular memory is as follows; we were on the rocky beach of river making dinner and doing activities before sleeping in tents (instead of back at the bunk rooms at the proper camp). We had an awful dinner we cooked in small groups over some kind of open flame - it was cheap mince which was both watery and fatty, and frozen veges (peas, with a few carrots and corn pieces) cooked obviously in a wee saucepan. Unfortunately I don't like most meat - it has to be exactly one of the types I liked cooked in a way I like, and this was not one of them. I also hate peas - I can eat many things now I couldn't before, but peas have only managed to get to the "choke them down" stage, which is in fact an improvement. Also, what good meal has no carbs?
So - dinner sucked. Then we had to wash the dishes in the river, which was disgusting and I hate doing the dishes anyway, I can't stand it, it makes me feel ill - we've discussed this before on here so I know some of you understand this feeling! Anyway, rivers don't get grease off that good, and it was foul. Neither of these particular things have been "resolved", but I think they're just poor experiences tied in with the whole; ie. they don't need resolving*.

Anyway, then the older students had organised activities on the beach. We were 12 or 14 I think, but the prefects for next year (or some other responsibility seeking people) who are 16 come along and help supervise and organise stuff.
So the older students had organised for us to roast marshmallows and do other stuff, I forget what (but I'm sure I hated it). So we all had to go and get marshmallows. Guess what other food I could not stand? Was it... marshmallows? Yes! It was! I have them now in hot chocolate, but not otherwise, and at the time I did not eat them at all, finding them generally repulsive. I don't know if I knew that we were going to roast them, but in any case I had not done that before, so did not know that they improve when you do so (I've had one since, and it was better than a "raw" one). So we have to line up and get marshmallows, I don't think I knew why we were lining up or maybe I had no choice, and when we get to the marshmallow distribution stage, I say "I don't like marshmallows".

Well! The teacher present, one of two (or three, or more) who seemed to generally hate me, blows up at me and tells me off for not taking a marshmallow and about how rude I am (apparently I was a very rude child; many teachers told me I had no manners) and how I'm being disrespectful to the 6th formers (the older students) and how I had to go and apologise to them. Of course I had no friggin' clue what I was apologising for - I may have even apologised for not liking marshmallows; I can see that happening, but maybe I had more sense as that would NOT have gone down well - but I managed somehow, I was required to take a marshmallow or two which I dispensed later to very happy classmates who loved them.
(somehow the teacher also decided I was anorexic, but I consider that a different story and am not quite sure how that happened - my memory is failing me on some aspects)

Until yesterday, I hadn't worked out how not liking marshmallows was a problem, even to a teacher who had a problem with me. But I think I've got it. I think I probably actually said the exact words "I don't like marshmallows". It's possible I "announced" it. It's probable I said it with no introduction or follow-up. It's my guess that it's my wording, leading to an assumption of my attitude that p*ssed off the teacher. Kid comes up, announces that she doesn't like part of the activity that's supposed to be a special treat, kid is already thought to be the snobby kind (apparently) - it appears rude, like she's snubbing the activity and insulting the organisers.

My perspective was that they shouldn't give me a marshmallow because I don't like them and they should let someone else have it; no point wasting things when it could be appreciated, and I didn't mind missing out, no big deal.

This interpretation of the events as they might have appeared to the warped mind of this particular woman makes me feel that I understand what the hell happened (or could have happened; at least it's reasonable) and why it was such a crime to refuse - a marshmallow.

*they were actually mostly resolved at the time; I overheard a conversation about how next year that activity had to be better, with better food, so at least one of the teachers actually noticed it sucked and intended to make it better for the next students, thank goodness.