Intro:Hi from me and my quirky family

[WonderingWoman]

Hi there -
I'm really pleased to have found this forum. I've read a lot of thoughful and thought-provoking posts and wanted to say 'hi' -

At our house there is -

me - female, 49 years old, ENTP - pretty classicly. I'm a non-speller - sorry in advance. tons of ADHD trait, and ADHD family history, fancy but low stress career in the health care world. Current hobbies: Heart Rhythm Meditation x 6 months, learning about AS x 1 month (after seeing Temple Grandin HBO movie.)

Possible Aspie traits-
Moderate to Severe sensory sensitivities: much improved from meditation

Naive: I keep expecting people to 'tell the truth' and 'want what's best for everyone.' When I become a fan of something I go pretty 'all out' - currently working on a way to use knitting and crochet together for garment design that I think will revolutionize the process. This is highly unlikely but fun.
I'm also uncharacteristically able to be honest with myself about things that defy social convention, and I tend to not really care what people 'in general' think of me as long as they are willing to act civil. I'm always ready to look at all situations from a new angle, but seem to have little 'internal sense' of my cultures expected angle.

Hyperfocus: I didn't just learn meditation, I practically reinvented it. Everything is now being viewed through my current lenses of either Meditation or AS (sometimes both - LOL!)

Social learning: Shunned during 4th-6th grade of elementary school. Was considered 'off in my own world before that.' Found out in 7th grade that most folks are shallow and totally happy to be with attractive people no matter how socially awkward that person might be. Bored in school so pretty much focused single mindely on 'how to get people to like me' up through high school and still able to launch career. Found out that now I'm good at getting anyone to like me (at least for 15 minutes) but liking other people for longer than 15 minutes is a challenge.

Nonverbal communication: I stink at fashion. Seriously, if I find a shirt or pair of pants that are comfortable and acceptable, I buy them in every color. I could wear the same dress to family events for dress-up or the same slacks and top style daily and never mind. (feel queasy in a 1 inch heeled shoe.) People seem to think that I really should care what kind of pocketbook I carry. Really? This is all the stranger because I love visual beauty, paintings, interior design, etc. Just not on me. I can't wear a drop of makeup - too distracting and creeps me out.

Nonverbal communication: I find our dog boring. It does bother me (a little) that I don't love her. Don't NT's always love their pets?

DS14 - male,
I accept the official diagnoses of 'unusually gifted' and ADD and dyspraxia and 'sensory issues.'
I don't accept various the other dxs of NVLD, anxious and depressed (@ age 9!) In a school environment adults often wonder if he has AS, I think because he's stubborn and has trouble backing down, and was late to being motivated to back down.

I became a mini-expert in NVLD way back when. (who is suprised here? Probably no one by now.)
He is a wonderful kid and Mothering him has been such a relief to me personally. He's also a PITA, just like his momma! He says he's INTP, but I'm thinking ENTJ. (The J lets him straddle the N-S line more like how I see him.) Lives for social interactions and social competition.

Possible Aspie Traits:
slow to change gears mentally, gets really rigid when overwhelmed, had to practice smiling in 2nd grade because the other kids thought he was mad-looking all the time, had to practice fake eye contact in 2nd grade, still somewhat facially blank expression in repose. Still working on the idea that the teacher is right 'because' they are the teacher - it was very strange during elementary school. Doesn't take well to being corrected by people he doesn't entirely respect.

DH - male, 55, big job, ISFJ (DS says 'Hard S!') Excellent character - does what's right no matter what (although will very occasionally try to slease out of small things between us- Like changing poopy diapers. It was very supising, I can tell you!)

Spent his childhood 'in the time out corner.' Was supposedly 'the worst behaved kid ever' but 'too scared in school to every even think about disobeying.' Spent his teen years 'in the library.' Interacts with people all day long and comes home very exhausted from it. He thrives on the problem solving aspect of his job, and wishes he could do it alone in a room all day.

DH is very 'correct' in his social interactions and reads people at work really well - but even after 20 years of marriage I keep being suprised at odd gaps. Coparenting has been really tough on both of us. When I saw Temple Grandin talk about how she was a non-verbal autistic as a child, I thought, 'ok - DH's excellent social behavior could be a really complicated series of algorithm he learned in the time out corner. It wouldn't be more of a strech than what Temple has grown through.'

So my interest in Residual AS got ignited in trying to be less confused by my DH, and to see him 'more as he is and less as I would like him to be.' I've read Ashley Stanford's 'Asperger Syndrom and Long-Term Relationships' and made 190 highlights. ((humor alert: So I guess that means at least one of us could possibly belong here - wink)) The chances of DH going looking for any sort of diagnosis are about zero - he's very defensive about 'being normal' and by report doesn't feel 'out of the ordinary' in any way. Sometimes I joke that I'm his repressed 'rebel mess' and he's my repressed 'organized conformist.'

I just would like to create a supportive environment at home where DH doesn't have to 'fake it' so much of the time. And I'd like to spend less energy on efforts in areas that really don't matter to him.
One thing for sure - we are each other's 'other half.'

Peace Out,
WonderingWoman

[goddessoflubbock]

Hi WW! It sounds like you 3 have quite a symbiotic relationship, which is awesome.

My DS is 16, was dx'd about 5 years ago with Asperger's. I've also worked with quite a few other families these past 2 years or so with kids with ASD's. While many of the kids (including mine!) Were very resistant to change, none would actually stand their ground in a school setting for instance. They would just cope (albeit unsuccessfully!) With the situation.

I think that the ability to stand up for your position is an excellent character trait. I know so many ppl who just get steam-rolled over bc they lack that ability, for whatever reason.

As for NT's always loving their pets - not necessarily. DH bought a puppy a few weeks before DS was born. I hated that poor dog. It was winter, so I had to bundle up and walk him all the time, he stole the baby's toys...we finally sold him to a family with the time and patience.

I look forward to reading more from you.

[WonderingWoman]

[quote="goddessoflubbock"]DH bought a puppy a few weeks before DS was born. I hated that poor dog. It was winter, so I had to bundle up and walk him all the time, he stole the baby's toys...we finally sold him to a family with the time and patience.
[quote]
Ouch!!!! Glad to hear that you were able to offload that responsibility. My DH would be afraid that I'd 'rip him a new one' over a move like that. And I probably would. Of course, my DH is afraid that I'd rip him a new one over 'what side of the bed to put the pillows on.' I'm really not that mean.

By framing him as RAS, I can finally get why he can't see the difference between those 2 senarios. He says it's normal for wives to be a great mystery to thier husbands - and I bet there is some truth in that!

WW

[SomethingElse]

I find our dog boring. It does bother me (a little) that I don't love her. Don't NT's always love their pets?

Nope. In fact, I probably love my dog more than most NT people I know love theirs (and I respect him more than I respect most people). I prefer animals to people, in general (what you see is what you get). I find people boring.

[adhocisadirtyword]

Hi WonderingWoman - you seem familiar! Welcome to Gestalt!

I'll respond to more of your posts later when I get a chance. So busy lately!

I did have a couple of dogs that I could never get attached to. I had others that I adored almost as much as my human loved ones. I always found the other dogs good homes. I don't know if this is an NT/Aspie thing though. I think, just like with human:human relationships, there are some personality combinations that just don't mesh.

Now I have cats because the husband is allergic to dogs (and cats too, but that's a long story!). One of them doesn't seem to mesh well with anyone, but she doens't bite or anything so she can stay. The other is a pretty awesome cat to be around - and he knows it! Lol.

[Aspen]

Hi Wondering Woman and welome to Gestalt. My daughter's 14, autistic, and she was Wonder Woman last Halloween.

[adhocisadirtyword]

Hi Wondering Woman and welome to Gestalt. My daughter's 14, autistic, and she was Wonder Woman last Halloween.

Did you make her costume? Your Halloween costumes are amazing!

[WonderingWoman]

I did have a couple of dogs that I could never get attached to. I had others that I adored almost as much as my human loved ones. I always found the other dogs good homes. I don't know if this is an NT/Aspie thing though. I think, just like with human:human relationships, there are some personality combinations that just don't mesh.

Hi Adhoc! Great to 'see' you over here. (What does your username mean?)

Anyway, That's exactly how I feel about dogs. I get deeply attached to a few select people and a few select animals, the dog we got just doesn't happen to be one of them. She is well behaved and part of me would like to try and find her a good home, and try again, but I don't really trust myself to impose on another creature in such an invasive way. What if I hit a string of dull? What if I only like other people's dogs that I don't have to take care of?

Plus DH sees to really enjoy her - she is always happy to see him when he wants to interact with her, and she isn't ever moody. Unlike me!

To tell the truth, I'm a bit appalled by the whole 'dog ownership' thing - when taken from the abstract. But I'm grateful to our dog, and to our current culture that I was able to have a dog, because when my son was about 7 he seemed to really need another breathing, sensory-unpredictable member of the family, and a 2nd child was right out of the picture.

It actually was very useful for him to have to go through the process of getting used to her. He doesn't like her, but I think it's been really good for him to learn to put up with her. Of course in the beginning he loved the idea of having a dog.

Peace Out,
WW

[Aspen]

Hi Wondering Woman and welome to Gestalt. My daughter's 14, autistic, and she was Wonder Woman last Halloween.

Did you make her costume? Your Halloween costumes are amazing!

I did sort of make this one. I bought a solid red one piece swimsuit and I sewed a swimsuit bra into it. I bought dark blue swimsuit bottoms with white stars printed on them, then I made and attached the golden belt and the golden lasso to them. I made the tiara, a warm lined fleece cape, and red and white marine vinyl boot covers for some Ugg-style snow boots I bought for $5. I have very little artistic talent, so my husband drew the eagle on some gold cloth for the front of her costume and I cut it out and sewed it on. My daughter and I found some metal bracelets at Wal-mart and I glued on red star jewels. It turned out very cute.

[adhocisadirtyword]

Hi Adhoc! Great to 'see' you over here. (What does your username mean?)

It's a quote from a former boss. I was a report developer at the time and when I was telling her about our situation, I mentioned that we developed about 75% ad hoc reports. She immediately retorted "Ad hoc is a dirty word!" and it stuck ever since. I had the opportunity to talk to her a few years later and she laughed when she realized that became my e-mail - she still remembered saying it.

[WonderingWoman]

Hi Adhoc! Great to 'see' you over here. (What does your username mean?)

It's a quote from a former boss. I was a report developer at the time and when I was telling her about our situation, I mentioned that we developed about 75% ad hoc reports. She immediately retorted "Ad hoc is a dirty word!" and it stuck ever since. I had the opportunity to talk to her a few years later and she laughed when she realized that became my e-mail - she still remembered saying it.

Oh - I don't have much backround in that part of life, and still don't really get it.

I turned to wiki -

Ad hoc is a Latin phrase. It generally signifies a solution designed for a specific problem or task, non-generalizable, and which cannot be adapted to other purposes.
Common examples are organizations, committees, and commissions created at the national or international level for a specific task. In other fields the term may refer, for example, to a military unit created under special circumstances, tailor-made suit, a handcrafted network protocol, or a purpose-specific equation. Ad hoc can also have connotations of a makeshift solution, inadequate planning, or improvised events.

In my early work life, I tended to see each activity as a unique event, and prided myself on trying to come up with individualized plan to solve each problem. Nowadays I'm to the opposite end of the extreme, and have to check myself that I'm not falling into the problem of-

if all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail

I've come a long way in that ...

PO
WW