Conversational Volume

[WonderingWoman]

I'm wondering if other 'friends-of' have learned to deal with their DearAspie's problems with conversational volume. If so - please share your self-management tips and what you've done to negotiate more comfortable behavior.

My DH gets really quiet during conversations. He also has 'teeny-tiny' handwriting. I have a hard time hearing him, and get frustrated with the amount of effort I have to put into it. I haven't been successful negotiating this one, as when I express any dissatisfaction he shuts down and gets even quieter. It is true that he's louder when he's relaxed and feeling supported, but I think I need other strategies besides trying to manage his emotions.

Ideas? Suggestions?
Peace Out,
Wondering Woman

[adhocisadirtyword]

I'm not sure if this is an autie thing or not. It doesn't seem like it to me. It could be a sensory issue though...?

As a kid, I actually spoke really loudly - whispering was normal conversational tone. It took me a lot of practice and the ability to hear my own self (I think it may have been related to semi-constant ear infections), but I've quieted down substantially.

What's his volume level at work?

[renaeden]

I have a bad habit of speaking loudly in shops. I have embarrassed my husband a number of times.

[Civet]

I've often been told I talk too softly, though I think I am better about it than I used to be. I think I get quietest during periods of depression or anxiety, so it may be because of your husband's emotions that he's unable to speak louder at those times. It's physically difficult and draining to raise the volume of my voice when I feel badly, it may be the same for him, especially if he's louder when he feels more relaxed. All I can suggest is to try sitting closer to him or something aside from the obvious need to deal with the emotional issues. He may also simply just be shy, shy people tend to talk more quietly so as not to draw as much attention to ourselves . Even though you're expending effort to hear him he may be expending just as much effort to speak with you and even more so to raise the volume of his voice.

[WonderingWoman]

What's his volume level at work?

He's very quiet there - his supervises love it because they never perceive him as getting angry or raising his voice with them. They are all female so they think he's the perfect gentleman. I'm kind of jealous, 'cause at my work I realize that I can inadvertently hurt people's feeling if I'm feeling anxious all allow any negative emotion to creep into my tone at all.

At home I hear 'Why don't they ever listen to me?' 'Why can't they do the simplest things?' 'Why do I have to do everything myself?' in a whiny tone. In our early years together I wanted him to take 'Assertiveness Training Classes' and tried to explain '3 categories' Aggressive, Assertive, and Passive Aggressive. But he didn't believe me. To him 'Aggressive and Assertive' behavior look identical.

To a degree the 'low talking' could be a passive aggressive move, especially as it gets worse under stress. But mostly I think it is a multi-tasking issue. As the conversation heats up, what little energy he has for monitoring his presentation slips away. I don't know if it's a sign of AS, but I know it creates unintended social difficulties. It feels like he is 'taking his ball and going home' when he 'low talks' his way out of an argument, and looks 'babyish' to me. But I do appreciate it that the doesn't yell. But in the long run, I've seen the sulking and withdrawal having a 'wet sock' effect on family life too.

From what I've heard from Therapist-world, it seems that folks are 'supposed' to notice if they are getting too tense to engage in a particular subject, ask for a brake, separate to self soothe, and then take responsibility for coming back to the topic later. I wonder if this happens in real life, or I'm just naive again. Bottom line is - DH's approach has been effective in getting me to just 'not bother' to tell him stuff for many years. I mostly give-in in advance, and then hide (like a teenager) the stuff that really matters to me. After the last big 'difference of opinion' I've tried to be more 'here's a paper outlining what I'm going to do and why - yes there is nothing you could say that will change my mind. I am willing to answer any question you might have.

Weirdly - I have a 'picture in my head' of what 'marriage between equals' is supposed to be like, and sneaking like a teenager is in it, but handing out white papers isn't. Must reprogram that one.

Since reading that book about AS affected marriages I have a glimmer of hope. I've been rehearsing with DH a position to 'assume' when I start feeling frustrated and unheard. I signal that I want him to stand behind me, put his arms around me, and talk in my ear. The book pointed out that this prevents us from seeing each other's faces - which can be good for both of us. I have some hope that this might help, at least with the small things.

Peace Out
WW

[SomethingElse]

This thread might be due to my own mention of volume in conversation.

I can speak too loudly or too quietly, and my problem is regulating the volume and using an appropriate volume for the situation. If I'm talking and feeling quite comfortable (or if I'm anxious but talking) I can get carried away and speak far too loudly, so that people ask me to quieten down.

If I'm anxious and struggling to talk, my voice will be very quiet (and it seems almost like a physical block on making it louder) or sometimes nothing will come out at all, and I will avoid speaking because it feels like I am physically unable.

As a child I'm certain I basically had undiagnosed selective mutism, and was known for being 'quiet' (as in I rarely spoke), but then I'd go off on a tangent about something and speak a lot and very loudly, which other people would always be surprised at and so still comment on particular times that happened. I would be unable to speak to my parents infront of other people, and I'm still quite a bit like that. Tbh I think I still have selective mutism, but perhaps much improved (depends so much on circumstance that I find it hard to measure whether improvements are genuine or are just 'seemingly improvements').

[WonderingWoman]

This thread might be due to my own mention of volume in conversation.

I can speak too loudly or too quietly, and my problem is regulating the volume and using an appropriate volume for the situation. .

Well you did strike a cord when I read your mention of volume modulation. I generally don't talk about my DH-related stress to anyone. It seems like 'I'm just being mean' because other women roll their eyes at the things that I find difficult. It's true that my husband is terrific in tons of ways, and also true that things bother me, perhaps more than they would other people, but if I don't talk about it somewhere, it's harder to problem solve or sort which things I should 'learn to live with' and which things I should 'make an effort to jiggle.'

I do think it's a lot of work for DH to keep his volume up. I'm going to try to get us in that 'talking position' more.

He doesn't tell a lot of childhood stories, but apparently there was a time when his volume was too loud. As a child, his family used to make 10 hour car rides every summer, and they would pay him a nickel an hour to be silent during those trips. At first hearing this story I was appalled - it seemed mean. Now seeing my DH's family as 'AS-affected' I think that perhaps they were providing him with 'opportunities to develop self-control' and see that I didn't provide my DS with nearly that level of opportunity.

When I first asked DH if he thought it was mean of them, he was surprised that it might strike me that way. He said that he 'got revenge anyway' when they arrived by not speaking until they gave him a nickel to speak again.
((shrugs))
Peace Out
WW

[goddessoflubbock]

I find that both DH and DS speak too loud fo my comfort. I've accused DH of yelling at me, and then in a quieter voice he swears he's not.

I'm working with DS bc in his job he works f2f wwith customers and given hiss size he can seem very imposing and even intimidating if his voice isn't kept low enough. (he's actually a big pussycat).

I had a boss in the past who spoke loudly. I was always a little afraid of him, even tho he never had anything but praise for my work.

[SomethingElse]

When I am being loud, I often get accused of being aggressive, or shouting, even when I feel that I'm saying things in a perfectly reasonable way (worse still if I'm in a normal-good mood, but people think that I'm getting angry!).

[goddessoflubbock]

I think DH's difficulty in finding a job is his voice. Once he is hired, no one has ever fired him, they all love the work he does.

I even bought him a t-shirt that says. "I'm not angry, I'm from Philly". Philadelphians are perceived as loud and brash by ppl here...

I don't know how to help him. When he's being polite, he sounds condescending...

[Sophist]

When you talk about the low-talking being a way of DH "taking his ball and going home", that might be true. It might be a habit in order to avoid conflict and an indication of his anxiety. So maybe if he starts doing that, stop the conversation, say something like "It sounds like this is uncomfortable for you. Let's continue this conversation later once you've had a chance to recharge" and do just that.

My ex has a tendency to go quiet and withdraw whenever a topic of conversation is uncomfortable for him. It can be very difficult to couch an uncomfortable subject in just the right tone so he doesn't become too anxious (he has horrible anxiety for interpersonal things). But I also usually realize that once he's gone quiet, there's no forcing him back, so it's time for me to back off and give him a break. Not to drop the topic entirely, but to give him a rest and some recuperation time. With some topics he may never feel comfortable enough and so he just has to accept that what's being said needs to be said. But other times, it's all in how I approach it. If I push, he withdraws, and the harder I push, the faster and further he withdraws.

[WonderingWoman]

If I push, he withdraws, and the harder I push, the faster and further he withdraws.

That's helpful. I can remember to do that sometimes, but not often enough. Tonight I'm sure that my DH was in a good mood and happy to see me, but he was talking so softly I could just barely hear him. Other times he is anxious and does get even quieter.

I feel really short-fused about the whole thing and wish it didn't bother me so much, but it does.

WW