adhocisadirtyword wrote:What's his volume level at work?
He's very quiet there - his supervises love it because they never perceive him as getting angry or raising his voice with them. They are all female so they think he's the perfect gentleman. I'm kind of jealous, 'cause at my work I realize that I can inadvertently hurt people's feeling if I'm feeling anxious all allow any negative emotion to creep into my tone at all.
At home I hear 'Why don't they ever listen to me?' 'Why can't they do the simplest things?' 'Why do I have to do everything myself?' in a whiny tone. In our early years together I wanted him to take 'Assertiveness Training Classes' and tried to explain '3 categories' Aggressive, Assertive, and Passive Aggressive. But he didn't believe me. To him 'Aggressive and Assertive' behavior look identical.
To a degree the 'low talking' could be a passive aggressive move, especially as it gets worse under stress. But mostly I think it is a multi-tasking issue. As the conversation heats up, what little energy he has for monitoring his presentation slips away. I don't know if it's a sign of AS, but I know it creates unintended social difficulties. It feels like he is 'taking his ball and going home' when he 'low talks' his way out of an argument, and looks 'babyish' to me. But I do appreciate it that the doesn't yell. But in the long run, I've seen the sulking and withdrawal having a 'wet sock' effect on family life too.
From what I've heard from Therapist-world, it seems that folks are 'supposed' to notice if they are getting too tense to engage in a particular subject, ask for a brake, separate to self soothe, and then take responsibility for coming back to the topic later. I wonder if this happens in real life, or I'm just naive again. Bottom line is - DH's approach has been effective in getting me to just 'not bother' to tell him stuff for many years. I mostly give-in in advance, and then hide (like a teenager) the stuff that really matters to me. After the last big 'difference of opinion' I've tried to be more 'here's a paper outlining what I'm going to do and why - yes there is nothing you could say that will change my mind. I am willing to answer any question you might have.
Weirdly - I have a 'picture in my head' of what 'marriage between equals' is supposed to be like, and sneaking like a teenager is in it, but handing out white papers isn't. Must reprogram that one.
Since reading that book about AS affected marriages I have a glimmer of hope. I've been rehearsing with DH a position to 'assume' when I start feeling frustrated and unheard. I signal that I want him to stand behind me, put his arms around me, and talk in my ear. The book pointed out that this prevents us from seeing each other's faces - which can be good for both of us. I have some hope that this might help, at least with the small things.